Wisdom from the Broken-Hearted

No, it's not me that's currently heart-broken, but I have been heart-broken before, as have most people 18 or older. But, I am a tad bit worried about my brother, whose heart was broken not too long ago by a gal he dated for four years. While his and my situations are complete separate entities, there are several similarities and I wish that he could somehow learn by what I went through a few years ago when my then girlfriend of two years and I broke up.

Right now, he's just hanging onto history. His now ex has already begun officially dating someone, two weeks after their break-up. That tells me one thing, that she was seeing somebody while they were still dating. That has pained him, to say the least, but at the same time, it's made him realize that their relationship is officially over and he has to move on. But, he seems insistent on hanging onto the friendship. Why? History. She was his life for four years. It's very difficult to just let that large a chunk of one's life go after four years. I can understand that. But, it'd be nice if he could see this from an outsider's perspective.

She's already seeing a guy (was before the break-up) two weeks after their break-up. News has also come to light that she lied to him and kept things from him rather regularly. I guess they mutually agreed not to get hammered when in the presence of a lot of strangers of the opposite sex. My brother doesn't get wasted, let alone with people he doesn't know. But, his ex was in a sorority and regularly had the opportunity to do such things. She told my brother that she didn't. When he inquired about how much she drank, she'd respond by saying, "Just one or two beers." Reliable sources have stated that this wasn't the case. She got hammered much more often than she implied and went out much more often than she led my brother to believe. Who were these sources? My brother's friends. My brother also complained a great deal throughout all four years of her not being able to open up to him about anything. So, again, I have to ask him, why would he want to maintain this "friendship," with a person whom won't open up to him, whom started dating a person while they were still going out, and whom regularly hid things from him she know he'd object to or inquire about, only to tell his friends? I guess he told her recently, "You have to be honest from here on out if you want to be friends with me." From here on out? That should tell him something right there. If she hadn't been honest for the previous four years, why in the world does he believe she'll be honest now? How could he even look at her right now, in knowing she's already dating a guy and had been just before she broke up with him?

He and my grandmother just died. I don't know if he attempted to use that information to bait his ex's attention or what exactly, but he told her and in response, she said that she'd try to be nicer and that they should hang out when he gets back in town (today). She'd help him unpack, as he just spent the past week and a half in Florida with a friend and his family. Not a good idea. While it may be difficult to get over an ex of an extended period of time when merely hearing their voice over the phone, it's twice as hard when seeing them in person. The temptations are always there, because of that....history. The trick is to give history a time to truly wallow in the past, so that it does not interfere or blend in much with the present. Because, right now, it's a confusing time for my brother. They still keep in fairly regular contact with one another. While he may be upset when they don't talk for a day or two, he feels relief when she finally does call back. He's in an incredibly vulnerable state right now. I'm sure she knows that. But, again, with his baited use of my grandmother's death, was her offer to help him unpack because she truly wanted to work on the "friendship" or just to be nice? While his heart may want to tell him the former is true, his mind conflicts with his heart and tells him otherwise.

He told me that if he stopped calling, he feels she would as well. He puts in twice the effort she does to make it work. I added, "Just like in the relationship. That's not how things are supposed to work. If you have to give it your all and on top of that, compensate for their lack of effort, then you're going to exhaust yourself on multiple levels and it's not worth it." He agreed, but he's still thinking about seeing her today.

Repeatedly, he said, "I'd like to believe that I'm mature to handle seeing and just knowing that she's dating another guy and carry on a friendship with her." Eh. Maturity has nothing to do with this. In this predicament, it wouldn't be mature nor immature. It'd just be flat out stupid. What does that tell the female in this situation? "You can lie to me, keep things from me, mentally cheat on me, not be open and honest with me, and I don't care. I just want you in my life." Yeah...that could lead to some problems. Anytime she's down or has a potential problem with her current or a future boyfriend, if this current relationship doesn't last very long, who might she go to, who she knows is vulnerable and will always be there for her, regardless of how much she uses and takes advantage of him? My brother.

It pains me to see this transpire, because even though the time durations were different, this relationship of four years and mine of two years are so similar in so many regards. It's almost like deja vu' for me. I know what he's going to say before he opens his mouth and I know how to respond, what he should and shouldn't do, etc. The truth is that this relationship meant a lot more to him than it did to her. He was in it for the long haul and she just wanted to have a boyfriend, one different from all the rest she's had, in an effort to potentially alter her ways and for the better. But, in the end, her history caught back up to her and she decided these new mannerisms and philosophies weren't worth the time nor the effort, so she regressed back to her old, natural self. While my brother's next move was to propose, her next move was to get drunk with her sorority sisters and potentially cheat on him with her current boyfriend. While he's currently attempting to transition himself into the adult world, she's currently content in the sorority world.

He keeps analyzing and telling himself that this is for the best. He's having dreams which may provide closure. But, something still isn't allowing him to let go. He's still intent on hanging on to something that isn't there and perhaps never was, just because it's familiar and comfortable. Their reactions post-break-up are very telling of how they went about things in the relationship. The fact that she just up and moved to another guy illustrates the lack of seriousness on her behalf toward she and my brother's relationship. His heartache, over-analyzing, and constantly needing to sort his thoughts out through conversation with several individuals depicts how much he did care, wanted thing to work, and how much effort he put forth in making that happen. The more effort a person puts into something, the bigger the joy or the pain they will feel in the end.

Even though he doesn't want to hear this, all I can tell him is that it's best to stay away. You've talked to her post-break-up enough times, asked her all the questions you needed to ask. Just give yourself time to get over she and the relationship. You will only delay the process if you continue to hear her voice every day or two and especially if you continue to see her. In the end, that may be possible, but now is not the time. In the end, perhaps she will get over the drunken sorority party life, grow, mature, and be able to be open and honest with my brother and others in her life and they could potentially share a friendship with one another. But, my hunch is that it won't happen for a very long time, if ever, and there's no use in torturing yourself for a friendship that is nearly impossible to attain at this current juncture. History has been set. The memories will always be there. Nothing said nor done can be erased from the records. But, your history with her has come to a close and it's time to distance yourself from it as much as you can, so that the folder full of records doesn't open slightly and tempt you from opening it back in full, only to hurt yourself again.