Funny Story About Director Uwe Boll

Ever heard of him? He's a German director (as well as doctor) who focuses his time, work, and energy on films based off of video games. He's directed three American films: House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne. The cinematic genre of video game take offs are not widely respected by critics and the films that Boll has himself directed are probably the least respected of the lot.

Just recently, an article was written in Vancouver, British Columbia regarding Boll's success. Here's the final portion of the article:

"Again the fans have shown that the critics of Uwe Boll are out of touch with what the general movie audience population wants. Dr. Boll has continually been roasted for the films he has directed and produced. His last two films, House of the Dead & Alone in the Dark, cost $20 million but they have grossed over $110 million to-date. The same negative reactions from some of the press and the Internet critics are now being directed at Uwe Boll's latest film; BloodRayne.

Dr. Uwe Boll has had enough! Uwe Boll's position is 'I am fed up. I'm fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet without seeing them. Many journalists make value judgments on my films based on the opinions of one or two thousand Internet voices. Half of those opinions come from people who've never watched my films. I have been told that BloodRayne has a very bad IMDb rating, but how many of those votes of zero were made before the movie appeared in the theaters?'

The criticism goes on and on. Uwe is now challenging the critics that failed to watch his films prior to reviewing or commenting, 'TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP!'

On July 17th, 2006, Uwe will start filming his next feature film, Seed, starring Will Sanderson, Ralf Moeller, Michael Pare, & Andrew Jackson. Following the film, he will go into production in late September with another feature called Postal. Both movies will be shot in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

Towards the end of the filming of the Postal, the 5 most outspoken critics will be flown into Vancouver and supplied with hotel rooms. As a guest of Uwe Boll, they will be given the chance to be an extra / stand-in in Postal and have the opportunity to put on boxing gloves and enter a boxing ring to fight Uwe Boll. Each critic will have the opportunity to bring down Uwe in a 10 bout match. There will be 5 matches planned over the last two days of the movie. Certain scenes from these boxing matches will become part of the Postal movie. All 5 fights will be televised on the Internet and will be covered by international press.

To be eligible, you must be a critic who has posted on the Internet or has written in magazines / newspapers at least two extremely negative articles in the year 2005. Critics of 2006 will not be considered. Please submit proof of your negative reviews & comments via e-mail to: info@boll-kg.de. All challengers must be healthy males, weighting between 64 kilograms (140 pounds) and 86 kilograms (190 pounds). You will require to be physically examined by a doctor and sign the necessary release forms for liability, etc. You will not be paid or entitled to any residuals or fees. Your transportation & hotel costs will be covered.

Dr. Uwe Boll's invitation to fight and / or appear in his film is extended to his harshest critics. Roger Avary and Quentin Tarantino are among the most eligible candidates."

From what I've read, Boll may have his work cut out for him. In the three American films he's directed thus far (The House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne), only 3% found his films tolerable. Six out of two-hundred enjoyed the three films. The average rating for the films, out of ten was a measly 1.9.

His American debut film, House of the Dead, was the most liked by critics when it comes to the percentage that enjoyed the film, as 6% (three out of forty-nine) didn't walk out of the theater laughing hysterically at what they'd seen (and no, it wasn't a comedy). Some of the comments made by critics were quite amusing.

"If you want to see what a cinematic piece of dog barf looks like, go see House of the Dead, otherwise do yourself a favour and play the video game, it's far more entertaining."
-Jovanka Vuckovic, RUE MORGUE MAGAZINE

"Devoid of style, scares or smarts, this is one game in which everybody loses...it might be thought of as 'Night of the Living Crap.'"
-Frank Swietek, ONE GUY'S OPINION

"You'd be hard-pressed to find a duller, more incompetent -- and less scary -- flick with cheesier effects in a remainder bin crammed with direct-to-video horrors."
-Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

"One of the most astonishingly idiotic pieces of entertainment I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through."
-Nick Schager, NICK SCHAGER FILM PROJECT

"If you wait for video, put your finger on the fast-forward button and never let go."
-Steve Rhodes, INTERNET REVIEWS

Boll's second American film, Alone in the Dark, received even worse reviews, as only 1% (one out of one-hundred nine) enjoyed the flick. It's average rating was the worst among Boll's films, at a very sad 1.7 out of 10. Here's what some critics had to say about this flick:

"If nothing else, Alone in the Dark, proves that it's possible to 'dumb down' a video game."
-Philip Wuntch, DALLAS MORNING NEWS

"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn."
-Rob Vaux, FLIPSIDE MOVIE EMPORIUM

"Uwe Boll makes things on the cheap...so people keep giving him money, even though he doesn't seem to know how to point a camera at his actors, let alone operate it."
-Luke Y. Thompson, LOS ANGELES CITYBEAT

"Grab your funniest smartass friends and have a good time ripping this piece of crap to shreds. I know I did. But if you're looking for a good movie, stay away!"
-Collin Souter, EFILMCRITIC.COM

"Saying Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark is better than is 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV."
-Nick Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

"Alone in the Dark is no better than whatever you might pick up while wearing a blindfold at Blockbuster, even if you happen to reach into a trash can."
-Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"Alone in the Dark is so awful, anyone who spends 10 bucks seeing it ought to get 11 bucks change and a written apology from the director and cast."
-Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

"One of the worst movies ever made."
-Scott Nash, THREE MOVIE BUFFS

"This is pretty close to one of the worst movies that I've ever seen and having to recap it is making my brain bleed."
-Kamal 'The Diva' Larsuel, 3BLACKCHICKS REVIEW

"On the short list of Worst Movies Ever Made."
-Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL

Finally, his most recent film, BloodRayne, was Boll's most well liked, in terms of average rating, as it posted an average rating of a lofty 2.4 out of 10. Only 5% of the critics enjoyed this one (two out of forty-two). Following are some more good quotes made by critics:

"BloodRayne makes me wish that Mystery-Science Theater 3000 was still on the air. This would be perfect for them."
-Kevin Carr, 7M PICTURES

"When on-line petitions beg directors to stop making films, is that the beginning of the end?"
-Linda Cook, QUAD CITY TIMES (DAVENPORT, IA)

"Uwe Boll is fast becoming known as one of the worst directors on the planet."
-Tim Cogshell, BOXOFFICE MAGAZINE

"Whatever else you may think of Boll's directorial 'skills,' you can't fault him for inconsistency -- his movies are always atrocious, and BloodRayne is no exception.
-Timothy Knight, REEL.COM

"Who is Uwe Boll and why does he hate moviegoers so? The German hack, the one-man Blitzkrieg of Bad, is the worst filmmaker in the movies today."
-Roger Moore, ORLANDO SENTINEL

Based on all these comments and more, like I wrote earlier, Boll may have his work cut out for him. When only 3% of critics approved of his films and 97% didn't, there may be a lot of people lining up for their shot to knock Boll out of the movie business. Either way, his tough guy approach and boxing critics won't make him a good director. Who knows, maybe if he succeeds at boxing, that'll push him to start a new career. I think many critics would be willing to take the fall if that would be the ending result.

Link:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/comments/?entryid=334100