I'm such an idiot. Somebody smack me.

Yeah, I've won math competitions, spelling competitions, have four degrees to my name, have scored above genius level on the IQ test, had all of the state's, province's, and country's capitals memorized when I was 7 or 8, have two books published and more either completed or on their way, but when it comes to women, I'm a complete idiot.

I have no problems talking to them, giving advice, understanding them, or giving my fellow males advice in regard to them, but when it comes to me dating? Forget about it.

The latest story is just like any other in my life. I met this gal about six months ago, in late November. We hung out twice with a bunch of friends and then once by ourselves. While I awaited my change from the waiter, she walked out on me. The "date," if you want to call it that, had gone fairly well. She seemed a tad uncomfortable, but there were no long pauses. I made sure to ask questions, hopefully get to know her better, and continue conversations with wise cracks, input, and opinions. She didn't ask any questions. She didn't ask about employment, school, friends, family, hobbies, interests, anything. After I inquired her about something, she simply answered the question and that was that. She didn't curiously finish her statement and then say, "How about you?" No, it was obviously an interview for her and she was there about a job she wanted.

So, I e-mailed her the next day and asked why she walked out on me and asked why she didn't ask any questions. She insisted that she HAD to leave that instant to study for a final (not a minute or two later) and that this may be the reason she doesn't have any friends, because she lacks and I quote, the "cognitive resources" to carry out long-term friendships. I wrote back, tried to be as kind as possible, as it seemed she was rather hard on herself, but that was it. She didn't write back.

Through the six months we've known each other, we've had communication breaks of 1 month, a month and a half, and two and a half weeks. So, in actuality, we've communicated off and on for 3 months.

Things had become more intense between the two of us as of three Fridays ago. We saw one another 6 times in the next 10 days, but haven't seen one another since, which was two and a half weeks ago. She rarely picked up the phone when I called, up until a few days ago. The only communication we had was via e-mail. Through all this, I received an odd vibe and was a tad confused on where the two of us stood, especially since she chose to express herself in a showy manner on MySpace. Even after receiving several perverted comments, she left the photo(s) up. She claims to be an outspoken feminist, but I have a hard time believing that.

Anyway, so, about three days ago, I talked to a friend of mine whom I had met this gal through 6 months ago. I hadn't spoken to this gal for a while, so she had no idea what all was transpiring in my dating world. After I told her about how things had intensified and how this gal instigated some things physically with me, she became quite upset, and then let me in on a little secret. She said she was going to let it go, but couldn't do that following the news I just told her. So, she told me that a mutual aquaintance of theirs had told her on her birthday (which was after the "dating" had intensified) that this gal said to him (in reference to me), "I don't know why he likes me" and "I haven't hinted or encouraged him at all or anything." This guy also noted that she has quite the reputation of being flaky with guys.

That was kind of the last straw with me. She's horrible at communicating. A deep discussion to her is a chit chat session of, "How are you?" and "What's up?" She's not great at calling or even writing back. One five-minute talk per week will suffice. Hanging out once a month will also do just fine.

So, we've been discussing the situation back and forth via e-mail the past couple days (can't do it via phone or in person, oh no). Considering this gal and I have talked off and on for three months and has only asked me one or two questions in that time span, she doesn't know much about me. She knows where I went to school, what I do for a living, that I love football, I'm not a GWB fan, and that's about it.

Initially, she went the red herring route and said that she figured I couldn't understand how busy she was with school and how she is there for her friends (she had been over at a couple friends' places the previous two nights, two people whom had broken up not long before). Considering I hadn't seen her for two weeks, hardly talked to her in that time span, and have had communication breaks with her of a month, month and a half, and two and a half weeks in a six month span, I really don't see where she can legitimately say I don't understand how busy she is. Also, knowing how I'm there for my friends a great deal and spend a lot more time with them than her, I also don't know where she can go off saying I don't understand how she's there for them. The last straw had absolutely nothing to do with her busy schedule or her being there for her friends. It dealt with her bad communication and inconsistent/contradictory actions and remarks.

She then e-mailed me, stating that MANY had wondered why she was talking to me again and she said I should get a second chance. She commented on how she's "really" tried to understand me and that I'm not ready for anything beyond a friendship. She said that she's still willing to be friends, but that it's all we should be for now.

So, let me get this straight. After she walked out on me at the restaurant and I calmly inquisitioned on the leaving early and not asking me any questions, I became the bad guy? What kind of stories did she make up? She's giving me another chance? To, what? Walk out on me again? Oh, I'm sorry. What, is that the Cheney philosophy? He shoots a guy and he must be apologized to? Unreal.

I also found it quite humorous that she declared that she was trying to be understanding. Understanding of what exactly? She hardly knows anything about me and hasn't attempted at getting to know me at all. I thought about just letting that e-mail be, but felt she needed a smack upside the head (literarily speaking, of course). I wasn't mean or cruel, but was very straight-forward, honest, and blunt. How she'll handle it? Well, if that first go-round was any sign with me just asking why she walked out on me, I'm not very optimistic. Given the fact she told wild and illegitimate stories about me when she walked out on me, I can only imagine the juicy stories this will provoke. I'll apologize for being straight-forward and honest this time. It's just what a guy has got to do.