New Year's Resolutions

That day is almost here. The day where we feel like it's a brand new year, a time where we can start over, and be hopeful for better things in the upcoming year. So, what I will do here is spread the wealth some and give the resolutions for certain specimens.

Chicago Cubs- To find another way to leave fans disappointed at the midway point of the season and to live by the Cubs fans' motto, "Well, maybe next year."

Michael Jackson- To say no to Neverneverland and to finally declare what his ethnicity is/was/has become.

Dick Cheney- To smile for the first time in his life and come across as a more amiable person.

Tom Cruise- To reject medication from his doctor after he tells Tom that he is mentally troubled, insane, and delusional.

Larry King- To ask Michael Jackson where he got his face job done, so he can do something similar.

Bruce Willis- To go out to the Middle East and find Osama Bin Laden by himself, so he doesn't have to pay the $1 million he offered to anyone who did find Bin Laden.

Bill O'Reilly- To take an anger management class, go to discussion groups on racism and sexism, and to have some more fun on the telephone.

Rush Limbaugh- To marry his 5th, 6th, and 7th wives and declare himself the second coming of Joseph Smith.

Bill Clinton- To go on a worldwide saxophone tour and woo the ladies.

Sean Hannity- To give others a chance to speak.

Kobe Bryant- To stop trying to be Michael Jordan's stunt double.

David Letterman- To continue the ever popular Friday night game of "Will It Float?"

Jay Leno- To have a chin reduction.

Mike Tyson- To take on a new primary language so he can never attempt to speak the English language again.

Maria Sharapova- To continue giving guys a reason to watch tennis.

Hugh Grant- To play the same role in another film.

Donald Trump- To finally get a better hairpiece.

Russell Crowe- To beat someone up outside of a film, either by fist, foot, or phone.

Alex Rodriguez- To get paid $25 million for playing a game.

John Kerry- To finish a book called, "How I Blew It: What I Did Wrong on the Campaign Trail."

O.J. Simpson- To continue his life-long quest of finding the killer.

MTV- To show one music video before midnight and after 7am.

Tim Allen- To take part in another awful Christmas movie.

Hollywood- To come out with more re-makes and sequels than originals.

Reality TV- To become even more fake.

Frank Solich- To spend life on the recruiting trail by going to pubs, downing a few, and taking a taxi to the recruit's home.

John Madden- To become a professional tic-tac-toe player.

Lyle Lovett- To be voted America's Sexiest Male.

Arnold Schwarzenegger- To be part of a nationally televised debate with Mike Tyson and George W. Bush.

Ashlee Simpson- To get caught lip synching and to then get booed off-stage.

Machauley Culkin- To go back and be part of another sequel to "Home Alone" alongside Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

Fox News- To put no spin or bias on the news...

Slyvester Stallone- To box without a walker or cane.

Jean-Claude Van Damme- To learn how to act.

Stewie- To take over the world.

George W. Bush- To play G.I. Joe, read Dr. Seuss, not answer questions, deny faults, not take responsibility, and to break the record for vacation days by a president.