George W. Bush Top Ten List

Top Ten Things George W. Bush Could Say to Shock the Nation in His State of the Union Address Tonight

10. "People always ask me, 'What would you have done if you hadn't been elected president?' I usually tells them that I'd probably follow my dream and teach either English or one of those speech courses somewheres."

9. "Bin Laden died. Yeah. About four years ago. The voice on the tape, that was, I don't know, some guy we picked up off the street. I don't even remember his name. I think it was Bob. But, even without Bob or Bin Laden, Al-Qaeda is still a very dangerous force, who we need to deal with now on their soil, so they don't come back and attack us on our soil."

8. "Well, America, you already know about the axis of evil. I've told you about it. I remember telling you about it. I think I told you about it. But, I'm telling you now, I've thought up a new axis, the axis of almost, close to, or near evil and this includes everyone except us, England, and Australia. So, to everyone else in the world, bring it on!"

7. "Anyone see that 'Fahrenheit 9/11?' That was a pretty good flick, don't you think?"

6. "I thought I'd wear my rainbow tie tonight to show support for the gay community."

5. "I went to this strip club the other night. I had never been to a strip club before. I didn't even know what a strip club was. They had some really good food there. I think all parents should take their little ones to a strip club sometime. It's good family fun and great food."

4. "You know, I'm getting so much heat because of the spying, but people don't get it. Spying is so much fun! I don't like reading books. Except for 'Playboy.' They have some good articles. But, I'm a very visual person. I learn visually. I like to visualize. I'm visual, you see. So, what better way to learn from the people than to use my eyes and watch them? To make sure they're safe, to laugh at them, to invite the friends over for a popcorn and cheetoh party."

3. "That reminds me of an old story. Back when I was doing coke..."

2. "I love America, but not as much as I love my wife Laura over there. You should've seen us last night. We were gettin' jiggy wit' it, if you catch my drift."

1. (drum roll) "You know, MLK Day was just celebriated. I have a great deal of respect for Mahaka, Muhaka, that Gandhi fella. So, from this day forth, I vow to walk on over to the Middle East and lead my troops to spread freedom and democracy without using a weapon, without even raising a fist."