My Change in Energy (so says my friend...)

I received a call from a friend last night. He and I traded stories on our daily lives, women, sports and health. He's a social worker and at times has given me a counselor vibe, which is fine if I seek advice from a person, but this typically wasn't the case. I actually talked to him about it 5-6 months ago and he apologized. Since that point, he's let up on attempting to be my counselor.

Last night, toward the tail-end of the conversation, after I had talked about my current love interest (3-year love interest), my health, what I hoped to happen in my future, he couldn't say enough about a certain change he hears/feels/sees in me.

He said something like, "You have this entirely new energy about you. It's amazing how much you've changed in 3-4 months. You're so much more open now. I really think you're taking a big step with (said woman) and are really moving forward with your life."

That meant a lot to me. It's the first time someone has told me about this "change" I've undergone. As I told my friend last night, I think there are two big reasons why this has happened:

1) My friendship/relationship with Michelle

2) My recovery from 18 months of health problems

Firstly, I was talking to a woman from back home (Omaha) regularly for close to a year. When I flew into town last July and August, she and I spent a decent amount of time together. But, something was always holding me back from taking the friendship a step further.

When she and I started talking was at the peak time of my health ordeal. There were days when I had difficulty walking or getting out of bed. I was in a zombie-like state the majority of the time. So, Michelle came along and became someone I could confide in when I most needed it, because I was stuck inside my house most of the time and unable to do much. It really helped to have that person to consistently communicate with, but that all changed in late May of last year. We started flirting with the notion of taking the relationship a step beyond that of a friendship and this complicated matters for the final four months in which we spoke.

While I was very appreciative of her friendship for a while, after "feelings" were brought to the forefront, I began to feel uneasy. She would tend to dramatize situations, when there wasn't any to begin with. She'd try to manipulate me, to hurry me along with making up my mind on where I wanted to take things with her (as well as physically when I flew back home, but I kindly told her no), etc. When she didn't get her way with me, which was pretty frequent, she'd hold me down, kick me while down and the end result was me feeling depressed and/or guilty. It was like this for four consecutive months and like the mere-exposure effect states, it took its toll on me.

I think after a period of time of going through this, my confidence took a shot and I began to feel as if perhaps I could do no better than her, so maybe I should give in and give dating a chance. My self-esteem had already decreased substantially over the months, due to my health problems, so for her to sink it even lower was quite the feat.

As of September 18th of last year, though, I had had enough. I was done with the manipulation. I was done with the lies. I was done with the drama.

In our final phone conversation, she became dramatic again, as out of nowhere she said, "Well, if you have a problem with me being who I am, then I think we have a problem!"

I responded with, "What? Where did that come from? When did I ever say I had a problem with you being yourself? Where did you get that idea?"

There was a slight pause, before she said, "I don't know."

I then laughed for a couple seconds, shook my head and then stated, "You know what? I think we're done. I really can't do this anymore. Perhaps in the future, when things have cooled down some, we can establish a friendship again, but I think for now, it's best to not talk for a while."

I then hung up, received a nasty e-mail and text, filled with expletives and an encyclopedia of scapegoating, as she had cast me as the sole reason things didn't work between the two of us. The insults were harsh and hurtful, but I slowly got over them. The scapegoating made me question what it was I said or did that may have been the reason for us not working out at all.

But, I then heard from an old friend of her's about a month or two ago and she sprung upon me some very interesting news. These tidbits of information included: She lied to me very regularly, especially with regard to guys, that she had slept with 6 different guys in the year we were talking, that she needed the morning-after pill on two occasions because she was irresponsible the night before, that she told some friends of her's my darkest of secrets, that she attempted to manipulate me on a regular basis, etc. Hearing all of that really helped put myself at ease and I was able to fully put that chapter in my life to rest.

As awful as that "relationship" sounds, I think in the end, it may have been to my benefit. I learned that I am ready for a relationship (just not with her), that I'm cognizant enough to notice red flags I wouldn't have seen prior to '03. I learned that I'm strong enough to say no, which was difficult for me prior to '03, because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I also learned that I do deserve better. So, while it was not a pleasant year for me, it has left me smiling and energized in the end.

Secondly and the most important factor, I believe to my new-found life and energy, is the fact I'm finally starting to recover from the 18-month soap opera regarding my health. When it first hit me that Sunday morning on May 31st of 2008, I knew something was wrong. This fear grew in the coming days and weeks, as the symptoms began to worsen. I had countless tests done on me, without so clear a sign as to warrant an official diagnosis. I was clueless, as were the doctors. Yet, I heard from some doctors that: "This could be with you for the rest of your life," "Your symptoms sound similar to MS (Multiple Sclerosis)," "You may have diabetes," "This could be guillain-barre syndrome," "I think you have some kind of small-fiber neuropathy (small-fiber sensory neuropathy," "We noticed an AVM-like presence around your spine (Arteriovenous Malformation)," "You might want to get brain surgery done for a second time," "We may need to operate around your spine" and "If you don't get this taken care of, you could lose your legs in the future."

To say I was bummed for 18 months would be like saying the 2008-2009 Detroit Lions were bad for 16 games. Also, hearing all of these potential negative outcomes, the worst being the thought of not having any legs, did anything but appease the situation. So, when one morning, I awoke and felt like something was different and for the better, I genuinely felt like bursting out into tears. I tried not to become overly excited, as to not know if this was an aberration or the start of a trend, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't overjoyed at that very moment and felt a sense of hope and optimism I hadn't felt for a year and a half.

Fortunately, that morning was not an aberration. Since then, I've been continually feeling better, as the symptoms have been waning in intensity. Due to this continued improvement, my joy, optimism and excitement have only grown in recent weeks and this change has brought to me a completely different perspective on life.

It's quite something to be told you're never going to feel any better and that one day, you may need your legs to be amputated, to have lost the small things in life which may have been unfairly taken for granted and to one day be able to cast aside those fears and to repossess what was lost.

I think those two were the main two factors in my change in energy, as my friend described it. I think I now appreciate life more than I ever have before. I'm happier than I've ever been before. I'm looking forward to tomorrow unlike at any other point in my life thus far. I felt dead for a year and a half, that my life had been prematurely stripped from me and now feel alive and more grateful for my very existence than at any other time in my 29 years here.