If crying were a drug, John Boehner would no longer be with us...

New Speaker of the House, Republican John Boehner of Ohio, has laid before this nation quite an image of himself. Just three months ago, before Republicans gained control of the House, Boehner could regularly be seen as a tough guy (sort of) and heard using very strong rhetoric. He was the epitome of what has become the Republican Party, outside the fact his skin tone confuses some with the Syracuse mascot (The Orange). But, after Republicans gained control of the house in November of last year, something happened to Mr. Boehner. He went from John Wayne to a woman on her period watching romance films. He went from an evil-sounding snarl which could be heard frequently at consistent intervals. Yes, John Boehner's image went from that of a Republican to a mother whose daughter was just wed to a drug dealer.

Due to these frequent outbursts of tears, Boehner has received his fair share of criticism from both the left and even from inside his own party. Faux News' editorialist, Bill O'Reilly, even claimed that Boehner is emotionally unstable. O'Reilly knows a thing or two about emotionally unstable people from all the badgering he's done to guests throughout the years. While it's true that Mr. Boehner has been spotted crying during the pre-game show of a basketball game, while watching the movie "The Little Mermaid" and even before, during or after sex (those Paparazzis, they watch everything, don't they?), shouldn't the guy be allowed to cry once in a while?

Okay, I understand the critique of that inquiry. "Once in a while," right? That'd be like me me implying that a crack-addicted prostitute only smoked the illegal substance and sold him/herself for sex "once in a while". Call it a hunch, but that's probably not the case.

Speaking of drugs, I have to wonder what Boehner may be taking? Have the doctors injected a certain about of estrogen into his system and removed any and every bit of testosterone he once had (it is debatable whether he ever possessed this, however)? Is Boehner actually a Hollywood actor and a very bad one at that? Or is he really the Speaker of the House, representing the party whom have prided themselves on being tough, being warmongers and being "manly" (sorry Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, among others)?

If you answered yes to the last question, you'd be correct. If you answered yes to any of the others, then there's no definitive answer to lend you at this very moment and I'll have to get back to you on that. Yes, John Boehner is a Republican Speaker of the House, a representative of the party whom holds a firm stance on gun rights, so firm they believe new borns should be allowed to carry them without a permit or license. This is the party that believes the United States should bomb any and every country whom holds one terrorist or one person whom doesn't believe that the United States is the greatest country in the history of man (and in the future as well). This is the party that calls anti-war protesters, environmentalists and global-warming believers a bunch of babies and Anti-Americans. This is the party where its members communicate one another through Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor grunts. John Boehner cannot fit this tough guy mold anymore, if he ever did to begin with.

I think for both John Boehner's sake and the Republican Party's, he will need to step down as Speaker of the House. It's obviously too emotionally draining on the Speaker from Ohio. He needs a job where he's not on camera nearly as much and will, in all likelihood, not be seen crying ever again. Some job possibilities would include: A janitor, garbageman, secretary, telemarketer or he change his party affiliation to Independent. The GOP needs this, because they can't have their tough-as-nails image destroyed, as it's one of the only reasons people vote for them in election, out of fear the party has promulgated to the American public. If they lose this fear factor, they will, in essence, lose their party. The only hope the two parties have of maintaining their current relationship is for the GOP to hire Tom Hanks, dress him as a baseball coach, and give Boehner a lecture on, "There's no crying! There's no crying in politics!" Outside of that remote possibility, the GOP may kick Boehner's behind to the curb and leave the man (that's debatable, I suppose) in tears yet again, not just from the kick, but from how he's feeling at that very moment. This will leave children scared and pointing Boehner out to their mothers, asking, "Mom what's that orange thing and why's it crying?" In answer to both questions, no one is really sure.