My Singles Ads

Ad #1 - Seriously? Yes, I Suppose
I don’t yell, hit, lie, cheat, smoke or do illegal drugs. I enjoy cleaning, am responsible handling the laundry and dishes on a regular basis, am good with kids, like poetry and foreign films, fold clothes and wrap presents efficiently, never leave the toilet seat up, am single and not gay (not that there‘s anything wrong with that)… Oh, and I like long walks on the beach. I could mention what I look like and what I do for a living, but with everything that was mentioned in this ad, do you even have to know?

Ad #2 - I'm Too Sexy (Sort Of)
I'm 6'4'' minus a few inches and weigh in at a robust 156 lbs. I also have eyes as green as marijuana, the best smile outside of Billy Bob-Joe Smith at a trailer park in Alabama, more hair than George Costanza, more teeth than the average hockey player, a voice reminiscent of Barry White when he hit puberty and more stamina in the bedroom than Jim from "American Pie". I also like long walks on the beach. Give me a call if you want to go out with the best piece of a** this side of Screech Powers.

Ad #3 - Pride Is A Thing Of The Past or in my case, The Never
Want to date a winner? Then I'm your guy! I've been known to do a killer rendition of the songs "I'm Too Sexy" and "Sweet Caroline" while fully inebriated. I'm not ashamed to check out what's happening on: The Weather Channel, The Discovery Channel, The Travel Channel, PBS, C-SPAN and The History Channel. The "sport" I exceed at the most is bowling. I have seen shock rockers: Alice Cooper, Kiss and Marilyn Manson all perform live. I'm unashamed to wear sweatshirts and sweatpants around the house. I know there are some drunken blackmail photos of me in someone(s) possession. If the word born-again virgin was in the dictionary, there would be a picture of my face right next to it. I'm now being told that is actually the case. I have memorized all the words to the film "Clue," along with all the state capitals, where the states are located and their abbreviations. I do cardiovascular workouts by watching an '80s video by Gilad. There was this one time at band camp... Eh, nevermind. I do like long walks on the beach, though, so I've got that going for me. Call me if you...like long walks on the beach also. You won't be sorry! I have to run. I'm going to go streaking around a church.

Ad #4 - Fictionalized Pride
With me, you always have to expect the unexpected, although, if that were true, the unexpected would be expected. Well, whatever, you know what I mean. Where do I start? I wear 3D glasses in bars at night, in airports and in strip clubs. No, my name is not Corey Hart and I am not in the Mafia (that can't be proven anyway). I like long walks on the beach. I wrote the book Kama Sutra and drew the pictures. I've been known to yell obscenities while in a crowded library. I'm all about the bling and my street name is Gold Buck Teeth. My two favorite films are "The Exorcist" and "The Notebook". I have a mini-crush on Betty White, six wives and am not Mormon. If you'd like to be lucky #7, feel free to give me a call and we can make it happen.

Ad #5 - Bah Humbug
People always seem to talk about their interests, what they can offer another in a relationship, mention what they feel are their good qualities and blah blah blah. Let me tell you what I don't like: anything affiliated with Fox News. Oh, but I do like long walks on the beach. Call me or whatever. I don't care.