Glass Half Empty (I used to be this way...)

Between 13 and 18 years ago, I was quite the glass-is-half-empty kind of guy. When someone presented me with a situation, I'd typically picture it in a more negative light than the average person. When it came to grades, how I did on a test, how I'd do with a presentation, what a girl would say if I asked her out, etc., I usually expected the worst. My reasoning? If the worst did occur, the less painful the blow would be. My father seemed to understand this philosophy, but my mother certainly didn't and in hindsight, neither do I.

Now, I can semi-understand what I was getting at with my "expect the worst" attitude. I was assuming there would be a certain level of disappointment when I learned of the event's final results, so since I felt it was inevitable I would fall, I wanted to make certain the fall only pained me for a short period of time as opposed to many days, weeks or months. But, like I said at the outset, I can no longer understand this train of thought.

I know why I had this attitude. I was sexually abused at 8-years old and had a knife to my throat by the man, threatening to kill me if I told anyone. I had battled epilepsy since about birth until I was 11 and within a year of being told I'd never have to worry about seizures again and being taken off my medication, I began having them and very regularly. These two events really put a damper on my self-confidence. It was difficult for me to focus in the classroom, as there were times I'd have one seizure in every class in a single day. I wanted to believe I could control them and in conjunction with not wanting to frighten my friends or family (or myself for that matter), I kept them secret. They took their toll on me, however and after my grades began to fall, I started losing some friends, didn't have any luck with girls in the class, etc., this confidence (or lack there of) really began to go down hill and was a big reason I wound up implementing this negative attitude within myself.

That brings me to today. It's true that being overly optimistic about something has its downsides. If one feels, after a job interview, they will undoubtedly receive the phone call telling them the job is theirs and they never receive that call, it's going to sting. If a person has been dating another for quite some time, the two are engaged and living together and person X fully trusts person Y and finds out Y cheated on X, this will be devastating. However, I still think this attitude is more healthy than the polar opposite. If one continually expects the worst, they will, more times than not, get the worst. If I continually think women will reject me when I ask them out, many of them will be able to see this in my eyes and feel this lack of confidence in the tone of my voice and my posture and after making these observations, they will be more apt to saying no than if i walked right up to them with a confident look and strut, looked them right in the eyes with a glowing smile and asked them out with a very confident, yet warm tone of voice. If I expect the worst when taking a test, I may not study quite as hard as I would have if I had the confidence to believe I could ace it.

In my sophomore year in high school, this attitude finally began to leave my system. It wasn't completely gone until my first year of college, but it was beginning to wane on a rather consistent basis. I had a grand mal seizure in August of '99 and a tumor was discovered in my left anterior temporal lobe of the brain. I underwent brain surgery to have the tumor removed in August of '03. I've been sick for 20 months , where at the condition's peak, I wasn't able to walk or get out of bed on some days. Through all of this, it would have been easy for me to have developed a very pessimistic attitude about life. It would have been very easy for me to have gone about my every day life, thinking, "Something bad is going to happen to me today. I just know it. I don't know what it is, but something bad always happens to me." Heck, I didn't even include the nightmare dating experience I had in September of '03. As of February of 2011, I've finally turned the 180 I sought several years ago. I may not be overly optimistic, but while I do try to be realistic, I also try to hope more than doubt.

Many Republicans, Libertarians, some Independents and even a few Democrats poked fun at Barack Obama's hope mantra. But, while I thought it brought about unrealistic expectations at times, there's no doubting that hope is powerful. Without hope, for what is there to truly live? Without hope, why do we work every single day when all we have are doubts about tomorrow? Without hope, for what do we strive in the future? Without hope, how is it realistic to truly be satisfied with one's life? Without hope, how is it we can attain happiness? Hope is the reason I'm still here today, writing this blog, recovering from my health ordeal(s), a survivor of abuse, brain surgery and epilepsy and willing and wanting to date again, hold my head up high and move forward in life. Hope is the reason I smile for tomorrow, because I know happier times are ahead and I cannot wait to strive for and reach those very goals and I know I will.