The Outsider's Realistic Perspective

Why is it that the majority of people can analyze a situation properly when they're on the outside looking in? But, those same people are blind as bats if they were put in the same situation? This is especially common when it comes to relationships.

Ever hear about a friend's problem with someone they're dating? Or hear about their relationship story and fully be able to analyze what it is they're going through? Yet, when that same thing happens to you and your friend is there for you, you say, "Oh, but it's different." I've heard this I don't know how many times. It's because every relationship is, in fact, different on some levels, and yet, there are more similarities between them than we'd like to admit.

We want to believe that ours is the exception to the rule. Ours is worth saving. Our boyfriend or girlfriend is different and better than the others we've heard about. If Bubba was caught cheating on his girlfriend, Clarissa, then Clarissa may feel that their situation is different from Paul and Tracy's, where Paul was caught cheating.

It's easy to turn a blind eye when we're the ones involved. If we're on the outside looking in, it's much easier for us to see the whole picture. If one believes in God, it's the same kind of thing. We're stuck in our own little cardboard boxes, not being able to see the big picture, like God is able to see.

Some people are at least open and willing to talk about things, but others are so stuck inside their box, that they are reluctant on hearing things from an outsider's perspective. It may be obvious to most people that know a certain couple that many problems reside in that relationship, yet it'll be more difficult for those involved in that relationship to see those problems.

Sometimes, I can understand why it is a person cannot see some things that others can. But, other times, I almost have to roll my eyes, shake my head, and tell them to open their eyes some. This happened just recently. A friend of mine has been dating this gal off and on for a year to two years. They were steadily dating for a couple months before big problems arose. Every time he calls, writes me, or talks to me at all, he seems in absolute disgust with this gal. He'll tell me stories about new girls he's interested in. He'll tell me stories about how she's interested in other guys. From how it's looked to me, they haven't been dating for a long time. Yet, he's reluctant to date any of these ladies he talks about and she has him wrapped around her finger as if they were married. They've had each other's number blocked on numerous occasions. They've sent one another countless nasty e-mails and voice mails. They see each other maybe once every two weeks. There's constant yelling, fighting, screaming, anger, and frustration in every conversation I'm around. It's obvious to any outsider looking in, that they are not happy, especially him. Yet, I tried talking to him about these things and, right after he yelled and cursed about this lady, he told me how much he loved her and how much she meant to him. I'd try to relate his situation to others he's told me about that have many similarities and overlap, and he gave me the famous, "Yeah, but it's different with her" line. Love or even the thought of love, blinds us so much. Even if we know deep down, in our conscience, we should move on, make a change, break up with a person, many times we will resist that and stay with the person.

It's simple. With time and experience comes attachment. If we date a person for a week and nothing happens, it's not going to be very difficult to detach ourselves with that person. But, if we date them for two, three years or more and with that time, comes many emotional experiences, it's going to be very difficult for us to have an outsider's perspective on the relationship. I dated a gal for two years and I was blind as a bat when it was all over and done with. In hindsight, sure, I see all the problems that we had. But, at the time, it was difficult for me to see or want to believe those. My conscience tried speaking to me, but I didn't want to listen. Yet, at the same time, I'd receive similar stories from other people and I'd have no problem telling them what the problems were and what should be done about it. While it's very difficult to see from another's point-of-view when we've experienced so much with a person, try to keep an open ear, no matter how much you don't want to hear it. As I've learned, as odd as it may sound, close outsiders, like friends and family, tend to be more right about the situation than those involved in the situation. These close outsiders come without the insider's bias and therefore, their reflections are more likely to be balanced and accurate than our biased viewpoints.