Quite the Movie Critic

I was browsing Amazon.com the other day, checking out some movie deals you won't find many places. While doing this, I browsed some reviews of the flicks I was browsing and came across one schmuck I couldn't believe. I had to rub my eyes, not believing what I read. I actually popped some popcorn and read some more of his ludicrous reviews, because I found them to be rather humorous.

Remember the silly movie, "Spaced Invaders"? Those vertically-challenged aliens falling down in some Illinois town on Halloween night and parents getting them mixed up with the kids being dressed as aliens? Yeah, it was no drama, no psychological thriller, no murder mystery. It was a goofy comedy. This guy gave it a very low rating and claimed that it's a horror film and should not be viewed by children. A horror film? What else can be classified as a horror film? "Batteries Not Included"? "Short Circuit"? "E.T."? Yeah, they rank right up there with "The Exorcist" and "Carrie".

He gave "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" a very low grade, while admitting that he'd never actually seen the film. He was grading it on the film's reputation and what he'd heard.

This dimwit believes the re-make of "Psycho" is better than the original Hitchcock version. He also gave "Casablanca" a low grade for the simple fact that it's a black-and-white film, giving the reasoning that since our lives are in color, why shouldn't the movies be shown in a similar portrayal? He also complained about these black bars at the top and bottom of the screen in the film and felt it was ripping customers off, since their screen was not "full." Yeah, that's called the widescreen version, buddy. That's how it's displayed in theaters. More is actually shown in the widescreen than in the full screen version.

It's not like this kid was 6 and a newbie at reviewing cinema. I believe he was/is around my age, so, mid 20's.

He also complained about the classic film, "Gone With the Wind". Why? Was it too long? Did the widescreen bars tamper with the overall quality of the film? No. This kid said that 99% of the film was great, but gave it a 2 star out of a possible 5 for the simple fact that Clark Gable said the word "damn" at the end of the film. No, I'm not kidding. One "damn" and the film gets downgraded from a 5-star classic to a 2-star below-average film.

The mobster classic series, "The Godfather," he didn't care much for, because I guess it encourages like-minded criminals to be successful in their illegal activities.

He made similar complaints on films such as "Animal House" and "Old School" and how it celebrates the college partying lifestyle.

"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" was basically labeled by this guy as a Satanic tool used to steer kids away from the right path.

"The Three Stooges"? Way too violent...

"Chinatown"'s film title confused him, so he marked his moving grade down a bit.

He thought "The Blair Witch Project" was one of the scariest films ever made, until he found out it was fake and now he's angry! Do I think "Borat" is 100% genuine? No, but I still find the film funny. I'm not going to mark it down, because of its overall genuity. I'll grade the film on its entertainment value.

The deusch used the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride at Disneyland as a tool to grade the film.

He graded the Police Academy films very poorly, because they're not accurate. These are not true stories. These are not films based off true stories. They're fictional films intended to make the audience laugh. They were not made with the intention to inspire. Give me a break.

Again, he complained about those ugly bars at the top and bottom of the screen in "Lawrence of Arabia". It ruined the film, because it took half the screen away!

He complained about the "Lord of the Rings" series and how author Tolkein was working too closely with the films, even though the guy died in 1973.

Classic films? "Baby Geniuses," "D.A.R.Y.L.," and "Mac and Me".

He sure knows his stuff, doesn't he? The funniest part is that he is an aspiring writer, screenwriter, and stand-up comedian. You know what? I'd pay to see a stand-up performance of his.

Heck, I'd love to see him involved with film. "So, why do we need these black bars? Why? It ruins the picture!" Reading that guy's reviews is ruining my brain. Well, those reviews inspired me. I'm off to watch "Animal House."