It's different this time...

I've only cut off communication twice in my life and oddly enough, both occurred in the past 6 months or so. On September 18th, 2010, I cut off communication with someone I had built (thought I had) a strong friendship. We talked most nights after she got back from work. When I visited Omaha, she and I hung out roughly half the days I was in town. We did kiss once, but things began to head south after she told me the strong feelings she had for me and I was uncertain about my feelings toward her. After the kiss and her telling me she had condoms in her purse, suggesting we have intercourse to which I declined, I knew how things were going to end - not pretty. We began drifting apart after that incident until she overdramatized things and with all the stress I already had going on with some serious health problems, I decided it was best to let go of the unneeded stress and drama. I later found out that she wasn't coy about sharing secrets I had told her in confidence. She also lied about and to me pretty regularly. She also got around while she was attempting to persuade me to be her boyfriend. We haven't contacted one another since and I don't, for a second, regret my decision. I always knew something was fishy about her, that she was hiding something and I found this to be the case, unfortunately.

Just this past Tuesday, I cut off communication with another woman, one whom I've liked for over 3 years now. I was told that she confessed she felt the same way about me. After I started feeling better in December and I knew I'd be moving back to Omaha, I made it a point to keep in more regular contact with her to hopefully build upon our friendship and be able to transition to something greater when I moved back. She flirted with and complimented me fairly regularly. We had our own inside jokes, which no one else would get. She put forth reactions to gifts I either bought or constructed which I had never before witnessed; they were so joyful, energetic and enthusiastic. I genuinely felt she and I had something special and it would continue to flourish. Just a couple of weeks ago, she seemed to distance herself from me and the only possible explanation I had was because I was heading to Omaha three days from then and she was nervous, as was I. She saw me the first night I was there and while she seemed quiet and nervous at first, after she opened my gift and laughed so hard she banged her head against a railing behind her, she seemed to be much more open, social and comfortable. She didn't hesitate when a friend of mine said to me that he and I should hang out two days from then and she butted in with, "I want to go!" Given the fact she hadn't hung out with this buddy of mine for quite a while, I had assumed she wanted to see me again. She never called that night. When she called back the next day, she said she couldn't hang out that night, but could the following after work. After work, she text me saying she couldn't hang out that night, but after I called, said we still had plenty of time to get together. The following night, after I text her about where I was heading, she text right back saying she couldn't hang out that night, but might be able to the following, which would be my last night in town. She never got back to me that final night. This has been a trend with her, where she'll seem to take a step or two closer to me and then quickly regress a step or two. This happened while I was situated here, in Ohio, and also when I was in Nebraska. So, I finally e-mailed her and told her what I thought about the situation and how I didn't appreciate feeling like I was on the receiving end of 50% of her effort in return for 100% of mine, that I felt used and taken for granted and wondered what was going on in that mind of her's. She wrote back the very next day with a rather harsh e-mail, saying she tried to distance herself from me while I was in town as to not lead me on into thinking she felt more strongly for me than she actually did, that she always loves hanging out with me, but that the only way she and I could hang out in the future would be if I came to a full understanding and acceptance of her feelings or lack there of. Whether all of that is true is beyond me at this point. Unfortunately, I have to now question the validity of anything she's told me. But, I felt it was best to separate myself from her and allow my heart to mend. It had been toyed with for quite a while and I just didn't care for it to be tampered with by her any more.

Unlike the first occasion I resorted to this cutting off communication, I actually have strong feelings for this person and have had them for quite some time. It honestly wasn't that big of a deal to cut ties with the first woman I spoke about earlier. After about a day, I was over it and actually felt a sense of relief, as I didn't have to deal with her stress-induced drama any more. It's different this time, though. I keep wanting to call her, write her, see her and yet know I probably shouldn't. Part of me hopes due to my absence in her life, she'll soon begin to realize how much she misses me and will come forth with a sincere and heartfelt phone call or even e-mail. I'm not counting on that to happen, though. The most difficult thing in all of this is the fact I just don't understand what has been going on in that mind of her's, what she truly thinks and/or feels and what in the world she thought I would think/feel when she said/did some of the things she said/did. As I came to find out just three short weeks ago, I guess a friend of mine had told her how I felt about her and she said she felt the same. After I told her about a gift I had bought, she had to have known I still had feelings for her. No male friend had ever done that for her as I later learned, so how could she really think any differently? What was her first line in her response? "Oh Craig, your e-mails make me smile, every time. : )." Who says that? When talking to a person you KNOW likes you as more than a friend, why in the world tell them they always make you smile if you don't feel similarly? I just can't understand that. I've never been told by a male friend I always make them smile. I've never been told by a female friend I always make them smile. I've never been told by a family member that I always make them smile. The only such people I've heard this from are girlfriends or women wanting to start a relationship with me. That's it. No one else. Even if she didn't know I liked her, why say that? The fact is she did know I liked her. Does she think a comment like that won't make me think she may feel similarly? Does she think her heavy flirtations and constant compliments aren't going to make me more inclined to think she has some feelings for me? I just wish I could understand her thought-process through these past few months (perhaps years), what she's been thinking and feeling, especially since our communication became much more frequent. I tried opening up to her. I tried engaging in serious, meaningful conversation with her, but she refused to reciprocate. She didn't want to have a serious discussion. She didn't much care for opening up to me as I did to her. Something seemed to be holding her back. Whatever that something was, I just wish I had some answers, so I could fully move on from this and hopefully learn so that this cycle won't repeat itself in the future.

She may not believe this at the moment, but she'll always hold a special place in my heart. Before her, I hadn't felt anything for a woman for 4.5 years and I honestly didn't think I ever would again. She helped prove me wrong and never in my life have I been so happy to have been proven wrong. I'll always love her and wish her nothing but the very best. She has a lot to work on before she thinks about involving herself in a serious relationship, but I know she'll learn and grow, just as I will. Who knows, maybe a couple years from now when I'm moved back and settled in Omaha, she and I will bump into one another and we can again work on establishing a friendship and if we've both grown enough by then, maybe build something greater than that. As I've said previously, I won't be expecting that, but again, who knows? All I know is I love her and hope that she attains happiness in life.