Letting Go of the Unknown Is a Difficult Task for the Over-Analyzer

I'll be the first to admit I over-analyze things. It's just my nature. If I go out of town and have a tentative plan set, I like to concoct a second and third general plan just in case numero uno doesn't go as scheduled. If I'm confronted on a serious matter, I like to thoroughly think about what I truly feel on the matter before I make my voice heard. When writing an essay on what seems to be a rather black-and-white issue, I like to thoroughly ponder the grey before coming to a more concise conclusion. While my answers may seem vague to seem, they're typically very well thought out and while a black-and-white mentality may not come to a complete understanding of where I'm exactly positioned on an issue, I'd like to believe that even they would be able to learn a great deal more about me and where I stand on that very issue than from a person whom may give them a four- or five-word response. Also, while I rarely see any answer in a black-or-white lens, what bothers me more than anything is not having any idea of what that answer is. To a person whom over-thinks, does more research and studying than they probably should, whom over-analyzes, not being able to come to a semi-concise conclusion is quite bothersome and leaves us wondering. It may be easy for someone whom doesn't over-analyze to close the unfinished book and move on to another, yet it's quite difficult for someone like myself to ultimately close that book until I know the reason for the ending.

This brings me to a recent development in my life, where a woman I had liked for a little over 3 years and whom I (and several others) was (were) pretty certain felt similarly, basically told me she didn't feel the same and while she loved to hang out with me, would basically cut off communication if I couldn't accept the fact she didn't feel for me as I do for her. I then placed the official stamp on the envelope that was soon to be delivered anyway and cut off communication with her to give my heart time and space to heal. Of course, she never provided me with any reasons. She never answered the "Why's". She just gave me the black-and-white response, the ending, without explaining why or how we reached that conclusion. So, it leaves me to wonder, "Why did she tell friends of mine she felt the same for me?", "Why did she regularly cross that line between flirting and showing genuine interest with me?", "Why did she respond in an almost over-the-top fashion when I bought or constructed gifts for her without ever telling or even signaling to me that they wouldn't change her perception of me or our relationship?", "Why does (or doesn't) she feel anything for me?", "If my friends were telling the truth (I know they were), when did her mind change on matters?", "Is she just scared to become seriously involved right now?," "Why did she claim she wanted to keep her distance from me when I visited, yet called/text me every day saying she wanted to get together and seemed very excited about it, only to bail at the last minute?" I may never know the answers to these questions and I'm very cognizant of that. I know that I'll probably not hear any answers today, tomorrow, next week or even a year from now and in time, I'll let it rest, but that will be difficult for a little while.

I sent her one final e-mail Saturday afternoon, apologized for cutting off communication with her, but gave her a reason why I felt I needed to do so, so my heart could mend and I could move forward. I thanked her for giving me hope that I could feel something for a woman again, as I hadn't felt anything since September 12th of 2003 and most in my family felt I'd never generate feelings for a woman again. With her, that feeling of love, that hope was instilled in me again, so I thanked her for that. I also wished her the best, happiness in all areas of life and that she could find the love she most certainly deserves, but that I ask she leave me be, so I can get over her and move on to the next book. She's yet to get back to me and I don't expect her to do so. I just hope it makes her realize how much she meant (means) to me and in time, with me being absent from her life, she'll start to realize she misses me and wishes she had made a different decision on matters.

Outside of being ignorant on what has been going on in that mind and heart of her's, the most difficult part about all this is that I feel like I was led on, through that used and kicked to the curb when I finally stood my ground and didn't let her take any further advantage of me. It's depressing to work so valiantly to achieve a certain goal, only to fall short. I exhausted myself of so much time, energy and effort in attempting to attain her love, it finally caught up with me and has left me drained for the past week. I'll bounce back. I just wish I'd catch a break at some point. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had made all the right moves, like I hadn't made a mistake and even then, the ball didn't bounce my way. Hopefully it will next time. My friends keep telling me she's undeserving of me, that I deserve so much more, someone whom doesn't take me for granted, use me and someone whom gives as much as receives. I'd like to believe they're right, but it's difficult for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point when I'm still venturing that very tunnel with a flashlight in hope of finding some answers. I'll just have to make sure I venture forward until that very light will inevitably make its presence known and I can finally take one look back, breathe a heavy sigh and then step out of the dark tunnel, closing one chapter and moving onto the next.