Dependency

Ever know a person who was so dependent on being involved in a relationship, that they were either involved with someone or complaining that they weren't involved with anyone? I know some people like that, one in particular.

It's like, regardless of how well there life is going at the time, they can't feel any bit of happiness without a boyfriend or girlfriend. There's no middle or gray area here, either. When they're dating again, no matter how big of a jerk the person they're dating is, they're ecstatic. But, if they're single, it's, oh woe is me. Nobody loves me. I'll be single forever.

So, when they go on these tangents, I'll give a few words of advice and state, "You know, if you can't be happy with yourself and your life right now, what makes you think that having a boyfriend/girlfriend will make everything allright? You've got to accept and be happy with yourself first, before you can truly find acceptance and happiness with another." They'll come back with a, "Yeah, I know and I know I'm too dependent on relationships, but it's just who I am." Yeah, so if a person is too dependent on heroin or cocaine, then that's allright, because it's just who they are? Naw, if that's who they are, it's time for some changes.

I mean, let's face it, the people we start to seriously date are, many times, a reflection of us. There are typically many similarities: age, ethnicity, social class, political beliefs, religion, future goals, attitude, interests and hobbies, etc. It's even a direct reflection of us, many times, when it comes to our self-confidence. Those with lower self-esteem typically won't set the bar very high when it comes to the dating world and even though outsiders may view their date as not most worthy specimen, the guy or gal dating that person, may see them as the perfect fit.

I'll give you an example. There was this gal I met about a year to a year and a half ago. She had an interest in me, but I could tell from the get-go, that she lacked confidence and this was a turn-off. I was up-front and honest with her and didn't shy away from telling her what I felt, but she felt helpless to the extent that, she again said, "It's just me." A few months later, she started dating this guy she met off the internet. I joked around with her one time and asked to see the guy's profile. Under marital status, I kid you not, it said, "The loneliest guy in the world." I then had to have a serious talk with my friend. That's when you know you've hit rock bottom in the dating world. That's called desperation and not having an inch of confidence in yourself. Then, for the past few months, she's been changing her mind on a daily basis when it comes to what she should do about dating. "I know I shouldn't date right now, but I want to." "I need a boyfriend so bad right now." "I don't need boys." "I really want to date again." "I know I shouldn't have a boyfriend right now. I'm not ready." So, it's obvious that she misses some aspects of dating, but something deep down inside her, her conscience, is telling her it's not a good idea. As I've learned time and time again, go with that gut feeling, the conscience, because it's rarely wrong. But, until she is willing to break the cycle she's in by working on herself and her self-confidence, she's going to go against her conscience and that'll just result in an illusory time of happiness, where she can just be dependent upon another's attention for that happiness. Whenever the break-up takes place or she doesn't see him for a few days, those old single-life feelings will creep back in and she'll be right back to where she started.