Have You Received This E-Mail?

I just received an e-mail from my Ultra-Conservative Uncle yesterday, which talks about the "real history" of Conservatives and Liberals. Sound familiar? Well, I'd like to share it with everyone. I thought about responding to my uncle, but there's really no point anymore. While it doesn't anger me, it does make me shake my head, roll my eyes, and laugh some. Laughter is a much healthier release than yelling or repressing anger.

For all reading this, feel free to shake your head, roll your eyes, and laugh at the idiocy of this following e-mail I received. Enjoy.

"REAL HISTORY

This clears up a lot of misunderstanding for me, hope it helps you too.

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to thecoast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting forthem to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what isknown as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to liveoff the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing thesewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Therest became known as 'girliemen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservative came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by thejackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyonewho works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire otherconservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business oftrying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers.""

There you have it. Read it before? Heard of it? I attempted to do some research, but supposedly the author of this piece is unknown. For history buffs out there, I'm sure you can see plenty of inaccuracies in this e-mail, but I will not go through them all.

What I will do is make fun of it some. Supposedly, this is supposed to be a joke. Funny, ha ha, right? Yet, I saw this urban legend joke e-mail posted on many conservative and Republican-oriented sites and the title usually said something along the lines of, "The truth is finally known." In other words, many people believe this garbage.

I found the last paragraph very amusing, because whether these "conservatives" knew it or not, the e-mail does appear to be making fun of them in the last couple of lines. While it does mention liberals perhaps getting angry in regard to the content of the e-mail, it says, "A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other 'true believers'." In other words, "conservatives" are narrow-minded, ignorant, and gullible. If Rush Limbaugh tells them that pouring kool-aid on their front lawn will better the health of their grass, they'll do that. If James Dobson believes the father showering with his son until he reaches the legal age of 18 will prevent him from becoming homosexual, then they'll buy into that too. Oh, wait, I guess Dobson does believe in that. While "conservatives" might see this as a joke on the "liberals" and depict an accurate portrayal of both parties and their histories, I see this as being more of a joke on the "conservatives" and how they'll believe in Santa Claus until they pass away.

This is an e-mail joke that could go either way. I heard the joke last Thanksgiving from this very same uncle, "You know what they say (they meaning Neo-Conservatives, of course), you may find bad Republicans, but you'll never find a good Democrat." Guess where else I've heard that same joke? From Democrats, only those two words (yes, Republican and Democrat) are reversed. "You know what they say (they, meaning Democrats), you may find bad Democrats, but you'll never find a good Republican."

I don't know what my uncle's intent is. This is the same person who sent me urban legend e-mails on Martin Luther King, George Carlin, Robin Williams, and others. Each time, I've sent him evidence showing that the e-mails were false. I try not to talk politics with him, because I know we are so very different and I really do not want to get into a scuffle about something we'll just end up having to agree to disagree on. I attempt to respect him and his beliefs by not sending him such e-mails, but he does not return the favor. These e-mails may have angered me some a few years ago, but I just laugh them off anymore. Getting into an argument regarding Republicans and Democrats (conservatives and liberals) and how one is always right and the other is good for nothing is like arguing about Krispy Kreme and Dunkin' Donuts. There may be some days that one donut tastes better than the other. The donuts may have their off days. Perhaps you or someone close to you got hired at one of the two donut shops and things went well or perhaps not so well. One may argue that Krispy Kreme donuts are always better than Dunkin' and there's no point in even having Dunkin' around. I'm sorry, but there's no point in arguing about that and there's no way to actually prove that. To each their own. Some differ in their likes of Coke and Pepsi. Others differ in their likes of Ford and Chevy. Conservatives have contributed. Liberals have contributed. Both have had their share of bad times. We cannot claim that one party has done all that's good in this country and the other has been the evil residing here ever since they were founded. Let's be realistic and not a bunch of idiots. I know that may be easier said than done for some, but let's give it a try.