My New Year's Resolutions

Publish a book
Do all I can to get the book to sell
Start writing another book
Date again
Travel Europe
Start working out again
Open minds
Provoke thought
Touch lives
Make people laugh
Not take things for granted
Make new friends
Finish a bunch of books that are on my shelves
Try to help others in need
Find final closure
Look out for myself more
Take a road trip with a friend or friends
Be more confident
Be more assertive and decisive
Find love
Find happiness

The Most Difficult Holiday

Whenever I think about holidays singles loathe, Valentine's Day is the one that first comes to mind. Why wouldn't it? It's the day on the calendar, February 14th, that celebrates love. Chocolates, flowers, and jewelry are bought in the bunches. Many couples celebrate with a romantic evening out. I hear many singles talking about how they'll probably just sit at home all night, munch on some chocolate, and watch romantic comedies by themselves. But, you know what? Even that isn't such a drag when you think about it. A night eating chocolate and watching funny sappy movies? Laughing, crying, eating, and drinking?

But, what do I think is the most difficult holiday for us singles? New Years. It's symbolic of a brand new start, a new beginning, a celebration of another year behind and a year ahead. But, as opposed to Valentine's Day, where I don't know of too many parties going on, New Year's is full of them. You can find more parties going on New Year's Eve than any other day of the year. What goes on at these parties? Socializing, drinking, eating, meeting new people, sharing time with people you're close to. But, once that clock strikes midnight, all the fun of the evening is lost and forgotten, and people embrace for the kiss to the new year. This has happened to me on a few occasions, especially the past four years. Once the clock strikes twelve, there will be a dead silence in the air. I'll look to my left, look to my right, and see full-blown make-out sessions, as I sit in the middle, twiddling my thumbs. It's a time I'd rather be eating chocolates by myself and watching romantic comedies. At least then, nobody is rubbing things in my face. Valentine's Day is more of a couples day. New Year's is a group day that turns into a couples day when the clock strikes twelve. It goes from talking about celebrating with everyone that is there to celebrating with that one special someone and that can make moments very awkward for some, like me, especially if I'm sober. On Valentine's Day, people like me don't have to worry about being the odd person out at a party, because there won't be one. But on New Year's, that's a completely different story. I hope that those who are involved in a relationship and celebrating with a group of people, singles included, are able to make the most of the moment and celebrate with everyone at the gathering and not just that special someone. If not, I hope you are able to provide alcohol for that friend to make the moment less awkward. Cheers and Happy New Year!

The Outsider's Realistic Perspective

Why is it that the majority of people can analyze a situation properly when they're on the outside looking in? But, those same people are blind as bats if they were put in the same situation? This is especially common when it comes to relationships.

Ever hear about a friend's problem with someone they're dating? Or hear about their relationship story and fully be able to analyze what it is they're going through? Yet, when that same thing happens to you and your friend is there for you, you say, "Oh, but it's different." I've heard this I don't know how many times. It's because every relationship is, in fact, different on some levels, and yet, there are more similarities between them than we'd like to admit.

We want to believe that ours is the exception to the rule. Ours is worth saving. Our boyfriend or girlfriend is different and better than the others we've heard about. If Bubba was caught cheating on his girlfriend, Clarissa, then Clarissa may feel that their situation is different from Paul and Tracy's, where Paul was caught cheating.

It's easy to turn a blind eye when we're the ones involved. If we're on the outside looking in, it's much easier for us to see the whole picture. If one believes in God, it's the same kind of thing. We're stuck in our own little cardboard boxes, not being able to see the big picture, like God is able to see.

Some people are at least open and willing to talk about things, but others are so stuck inside their box, that they are reluctant on hearing things from an outsider's perspective. It may be obvious to most people that know a certain couple that many problems reside in that relationship, yet it'll be more difficult for those involved in that relationship to see those problems.

Sometimes, I can understand why it is a person cannot see some things that others can. But, other times, I almost have to roll my eyes, shake my head, and tell them to open their eyes some. This happened just recently. A friend of mine has been dating this gal off and on for a year to two years. They were steadily dating for a couple months before big problems arose. Every time he calls, writes me, or talks to me at all, he seems in absolute disgust with this gal. He'll tell me stories about new girls he's interested in. He'll tell me stories about how she's interested in other guys. From how it's looked to me, they haven't been dating for a long time. Yet, he's reluctant to date any of these ladies he talks about and she has him wrapped around her finger as if they were married. They've had each other's number blocked on numerous occasions. They've sent one another countless nasty e-mails and voice mails. They see each other maybe once every two weeks. There's constant yelling, fighting, screaming, anger, and frustration in every conversation I'm around. It's obvious to any outsider looking in, that they are not happy, especially him. Yet, I tried talking to him about these things and, right after he yelled and cursed about this lady, he told me how much he loved her and how much she meant to him. I'd try to relate his situation to others he's told me about that have many similarities and overlap, and he gave me the famous, "Yeah, but it's different with her" line. Love or even the thought of love, blinds us so much. Even if we know deep down, in our conscience, we should move on, make a change, break up with a person, many times we will resist that and stay with the person.

It's simple. With time and experience comes attachment. If we date a person for a week and nothing happens, it's not going to be very difficult to detach ourselves with that person. But, if we date them for two, three years or more and with that time, comes many emotional experiences, it's going to be very difficult for us to have an outsider's perspective on the relationship. I dated a gal for two years and I was blind as a bat when it was all over and done with. In hindsight, sure, I see all the problems that we had. But, at the time, it was difficult for me to see or want to believe those. My conscience tried speaking to me, but I didn't want to listen. Yet, at the same time, I'd receive similar stories from other people and I'd have no problem telling them what the problems were and what should be done about it. While it's very difficult to see from another's point-of-view when we've experienced so much with a person, try to keep an open ear, no matter how much you don't want to hear it. As I've learned, as odd as it may sound, close outsiders, like friends and family, tend to be more right about the situation than those involved in the situation. These close outsiders come without the insider's bias and therefore, their reflections are more likely to be balanced and accurate than our biased viewpoints.

New Year's Resolutions

That day is almost here. The day where we feel like it's a brand new year, a time where we can start over, and be hopeful for better things in the upcoming year. So, what I will do here is spread the wealth some and give the resolutions for certain specimens.

Chicago Cubs- To find another way to leave fans disappointed at the midway point of the season and to live by the Cubs fans' motto, "Well, maybe next year."

Michael Jackson- To say no to Neverneverland and to finally declare what his ethnicity is/was/has become.

Dick Cheney- To smile for the first time in his life and come across as a more amiable person.

Tom Cruise- To reject medication from his doctor after he tells Tom that he is mentally troubled, insane, and delusional.

Larry King- To ask Michael Jackson where he got his face job done, so he can do something similar.

Bruce Willis- To go out to the Middle East and find Osama Bin Laden by himself, so he doesn't have to pay the $1 million he offered to anyone who did find Bin Laden.

Bill O'Reilly- To take an anger management class, go to discussion groups on racism and sexism, and to have some more fun on the telephone.

Rush Limbaugh- To marry his 5th, 6th, and 7th wives and declare himself the second coming of Joseph Smith.

Bill Clinton- To go on a worldwide saxophone tour and woo the ladies.

Sean Hannity- To give others a chance to speak.

Kobe Bryant- To stop trying to be Michael Jordan's stunt double.

David Letterman- To continue the ever popular Friday night game of "Will It Float?"

Jay Leno- To have a chin reduction.

Mike Tyson- To take on a new primary language so he can never attempt to speak the English language again.

Maria Sharapova- To continue giving guys a reason to watch tennis.

Hugh Grant- To play the same role in another film.

Donald Trump- To finally get a better hairpiece.

Russell Crowe- To beat someone up outside of a film, either by fist, foot, or phone.

Alex Rodriguez- To get paid $25 million for playing a game.

John Kerry- To finish a book called, "How I Blew It: What I Did Wrong on the Campaign Trail."

O.J. Simpson- To continue his life-long quest of finding the killer.

MTV- To show one music video before midnight and after 7am.

Tim Allen- To take part in another awful Christmas movie.

Hollywood- To come out with more re-makes and sequels than originals.

Reality TV- To become even more fake.

Frank Solich- To spend life on the recruiting trail by going to pubs, downing a few, and taking a taxi to the recruit's home.

John Madden- To become a professional tic-tac-toe player.

Lyle Lovett- To be voted America's Sexiest Male.

Arnold Schwarzenegger- To be part of a nationally televised debate with Mike Tyson and George W. Bush.

Ashlee Simpson- To get caught lip synching and to then get booed off-stage.

Machauley Culkin- To go back and be part of another sequel to "Home Alone" alongside Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

Fox News- To put no spin or bias on the news...

Slyvester Stallone- To box without a walker or cane.

Jean-Claude Van Damme- To learn how to act.

Stewie- To take over the world.

George W. Bush- To play G.I. Joe, read Dr. Seuss, not answer questions, deny faults, not take responsibility, and to break the record for vacation days by a president.

10 Ways to Improve Christmas

Christmas is now over and I don't know if it's due to me growing up or if it's actually the truth, but Christmas seems to be getting less and less exciting every year. It was the most exciting time when we were kids. We'd leave milk and a cookie on the table for Santa when he stopped by. We swore that we'd wait up all night to see him. The next morning, we were amazed at all the presents that suddenly appeared beneath the tree. By and large, we were also very impressed by Santa's knowledge in knowing exactly what we wanted. There are always exceptions though. Santa did have a slight case of 'sometimers' disease, I like to call it. But, then we found out the truth to the story and lost a bit of that childish naivete' and excitement to the holiday.

But, I remained excited for every December 25th up until I was about 15 years old. I liked the opening presents part of it and looking into my stocking only to find my favorite candies and chocolates. But, since I was 15, the Christmas season has seemed to lose a bit of its luster, has seemed to be the same thing year in and year out and I just recently thought, hey, maybe that's why not as many people are putting up lights, not as many people are getting excited for the holiday, why there's more stress and worry than excitement and joy. So, I've thought up 10 ways to hopefully instill that excitement and joy back into the Christmas season.

1. Songs- Can't we stop listening to the same songs 100 times in a month each and every year? By the time December is over, many reach the point of insanity from hearing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" for the 123rd time. Not only do you hear these things over and over and over again through the course of a single day, the songs have a way of getting stuck inside your head. So, all throughout the day, I find myself humming, singing outwardly or inwardly or attempting to whistle one of these songs. Isn't it time to come up with something new? Look at every major musical or comedic act. When a band comes out with a new album, they don't just play old songs and basically play the same set they played 5 years prior at the same venue. No, they play some of their newer stuff, play some of the old classics, and perhaps some of their personal favorites. That's what keeps fans coming to the shows and what keeps them interested. During the Christmas season, sure, you can play "Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire" 21 times, but balance the old classics with the newer songs so that people don't go crazy.

2. Trees- Maybe this is just me, since my family has had the same artificial tree for as long as I can remember, but just like the songs, it seems very old and worn. So, I say, let's experiment with some new shrubbery What about bushes? Decorating the giant tree in the front yard with ornaments? Decorating the exterior of the house with ornaments? Why does it have to be the same old tree year in and year out? Why can't we try something different and see what happens?

3. Stories- Santa Claus and his reindeer? That story is getting a bit old. I am now 24 years old and I have never met this Santa Claus character. Yeah, I met plenty of his helpers at the mall, but never the true Santa Claus. I've never even seen his reindeer and why is the Red-Nosed one, Rudolph, always so special? Where'd that come from? Was Rudolph just an experiment in a scientific lab and became the hybrid of Prancer and a Christmas light? Let's think up something else. Heck, we can have a yearly change. One year can be year of the Santa. The following year can be year of Elmer the Emu. The third year can be year of Donald the Duck-Billed Platypus. Then, every Christmas, we can have a parade with all the icons of each and every Christmas. With this, we'd have changes in songs and movies. We'd have to. We couldn't keep just playing the ones of Santa. We'd have to start in on Elmer the Emu and Donald the Duck-Billed Platypus. People could start in on collections and no longer would it just be about that jolly big guy wearing a bunch of red and white. People who are into collectibles could load up on different characters and stories each and every year.

4. Booze- We need to think of a new traditional drink to eggnog. I know some people like it and that's fine, but for those who can't stand the stuff, we need to find something different. Also, we need not be ashamed to down some booze over the holidays. Family is wonderful. I love family. But, there are always one or two people who make you want to scream. Yeah, you probably know who I'm talking about... So, when these times come about, be prepared! Make sure you're loaded with the goodies and be ready to take a few sips whenever needed.

5. Legalize Pot for a Day- Yeah, I know, pretty extreme, eh? I don't know about that. Pot is being legalized medicinally in more parts of the world and come on now. Haven't you ever wondered how silly your grandparents or parents would look after they've smoked a little bit of ganja? I've known people who've smoked this stuff and what did they all have in common? Especially right after doing it? They were all silly, relaxed; they laughed at everything, and could eat for 5 hours non-stop if you continually put food in front of their face. So, what better time for it to be legal than this day? Putting family in a relaxing state-of-mind, making them more apt to laugh as opposed to creating drama, and giving them more reason to eat all that was cooked. No plate would have any food on it, I can guarantee that!

6. Travel Resorts/Destinations- Just like we could make every year a different story. We could do likewise with where to celebrate that story. We'd have to divide it up in regions, so that one area of the country wasn't too crowded. But, this could give families a chance to see more of the country, meet new people, and celebrate the holiday in a way they never had before. People in the western part of the country could celebrate it one year in Phoenix, then San Francisco, Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Seattle. It'd give families more of a reason to travel and it wouldn't be the same atmosphere every year at your parents' or grandparents' place. It'd provide something new and exciting for everyone involved.

7. Bars- In case that 'legalizing pot for a day' idea doesn't follow through, we have to make sure all bars are open and all night! We'd then have to make it tradition that after dinner, some members of the family take off for the bar(s). With family gatherings, there comes joy, but there also comes tension and drama. What cures all that? Going to the bar, killing off brain cells with family members and friends, through drinking alcoholic beverages and watching sports. The parts of the family who were about to get into an all out brawl can cool off at different places. One can cool off at home and the other can cool off at a bar. Or, both parties could cool off at separate bars, although, that could create a problem if they were both to come back and stay at the same place later on that evening. Dogs are a man's best friend when alone. Bars are a man's best friend when with family.

8. Year-round Shopping- Got to love it...as time draws nearer and nearer to Christmas Day, you'll start seeing parking lots at the malls and other shopping centers packed so full that you have to park a couple miles over and take a bus to wherever you wanted to go. Why is this? Well, when do you think the best deals are for Christmas shopping? And when do we find out what the hot gift item is for that year? Near Christmas. So, enough of that. Let's let people know the hot items all year-round. Let's give them deals for those items. Let's let family relax during the holiday, as opposed to stressing 24/7 about finding a certain gift that everyone else is looking for, and not being able to find a parking spot for an hour while driving around in the parking lot.

9. New Movies- There are some classic Christmas films, just as there are classic Christmas songs. But, let's come up with some newbie classics. The movie "A Christmas Story" was on for 24 hours on TBS on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Give me a break. 24 hours? So, they showed the movie twelve times that day? "A Wonderful Life" is another holiday favorite. One problem is, the new Christmas movies have been anything but classics. Just look at "The Santa Clause," "Christmas with the Kranks," and "Surviving Christmas." No, no, and no again. So, if anyone has the time and wit, please write a script for a Christmas film that will be a new classic.

10. TV Specials- There was that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey joke special a couple years ago. Every special I've seen, has been anything but...special. Maybe they're awful, because it's the same thing being reiterated every single year. New storylines, like Elmer the Emu. New songs. New classic films. New exciting traditions. These could all spice up these TV specials and give them more options in their presentation.

I do hope everyone had a great holiday season, got to spend time with family, got to drink a bit to get away from family, got to eat a scrumptious meal, and got wonderful gifts from Elmer the Emu. If anyone has new ideas for the holiday, feel free to pass them along. I'd love to hear them.

Bush Quote Commentary

Here are the top 100 Bush quotes I posted a couple days ago and underneath them in italics will be a smart alec remark responding to each quote. Keep in mind, these are responses to the quote, so if the president says "you" in his quote, like he's talking to me and others, I may respond with "you" in my comment as well. This "you" is not directed toward the reader, just to the president. So, don't take anything I say personally, unless you're President Bush, then I can completely understand.


100. "This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses."- At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000
-With saying that, it sounds like the president has had his share of "mential" losses.

99. "Bill wrote a book at Yale. I read one."- George W. Bush, on William F. Buckley, Al Smith Dinner, New York City, Oct. 19, 2000
-What book that was, I don't think I even want to know.

98. "The senate needs to leave enough money in the proposed budget to not only reduce all marginal rates, but to eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race."- Washington D.C., April 5, 2001
-Why even bring up race? The fact that he brought up race means that it is an issue.

97. "Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it."- George W. Bush, third presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 18, 2000
-Just like a lot of psychological therapies are replacing counseling.

96. "The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating, I mean I spoke out on interracial dating. I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating."- George W. Bush, interview with CBS News, February 25, 2000
-Why don't you tell us how you really feel Mr. President...

95. "The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."- Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000
-Have you had problems with Barbara, Laura, or your two daughters in the world of staining, or something?

94. "But Iraq has - have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., April 28, 2005
-So, let me get this straight. You claim that Iraqis are hard-nosed killers and that we will work to help them secure their future? Yeah, now that's making sense.

93. "It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is."- Press conference, Washington D.C., March 29, 2001
-I will. After reading that quote, I booked a flight for the ANWR and will be spending the holidays there. Once I return, I will be sure to give you my insight on its beauty.

92. GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb- I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of - I shouldn't call him my little brother- my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.- The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000
-And George was the Governor of what state? Florida? I mean, the Texas?

91. "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Jan. 29, 2001
-Preserving executive powers for: Clinton, Ford, Carter, your daddy? How does that work?

90. "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."- George W. Bush, Nov. 2, 2000
-They want the local government to control local shops like it's some kind of local program. I know.

89. "I understand small business growth. I was one."- New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2001
-So, the president believes in reincarnation and he was never a butterfly or anything of the sort. He was a small business growth.

88. "Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state."- Council Bluffs, Iowa, Feb. 28, 2001
-Of all the presidents who understand how to speak eloquently, George is such a president.

87. "The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."- George W. Bush, Jan. 14, 2001
-I really believe that the driver in an automobile needs the all-out drive to drive that automobile. He has to have the drive to drive the drive, you see. I am that driver in that automobile, because I have the drive to drive the drive.

86. "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."- George W. Bush, in Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
-Maine is pretty close to Oregon. They both have the cities of Portland, but the city of Portland, Maine is a bit east to that of Portland, Oregon.

85. "It's about past seven in the evening here so we're actually in different time lines."- George W. Bush, congratulating newly elected Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Washington, D.C., Jan. 2001
-I'm drinking Pepsi over here and you're drinking water. They have different calorie amounts, you know?

84. "There are some monuments where the land is so widespread, they just encompass as much as possible. And the integral part of the- the precious part, so to speak- I guess all land is precious, but the part that the people uniformly would not want to spoil, will not be despoiled. But there are parts of the monument lands where we can explore without affecting the overall environment."- Media round table, Washington, D.C., March 13, 2001
-What kind of drug was he on when he said this? I'm sorry Mr. President, medication ::wink::.

83. "I think it's very important for world leaders to understand that when a new administration comes in, the new administration will be running the foreign policy."- George W. Bush, interview with USA Today, Jan. 12, 2001
-I'd like to point out the very important fact that Phil Jackson is now the coach of the Los Angeles Lakers and because of that, he will be coaching that team.

82. "I'm the master of low expectations."- George W. Bush, abroad Air Force One, June 4, 2003
-That's quite the statement for a politician to make. It'll be hard to earn brownie points from the public with that kind of statement, "You know, things aren't going well right now and that's allright, because that's just what I expected and to be perfectly honest, that's what I expect all throughout my tenure. If something great happens, which would be unexpected, then that'd be terrific, but let's not get our hopes up."

81. "I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome."- George W. Bush, defending Vice President Dick Cheney's pre-war assertion that the United States would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators, NBC Nightly News interview, Dec. 12, 2005
-There was this one time when I went to a party and people began throwing beer bottles, cigarettes, pool balls, and whatever they could find, at me. I was there, so I was welcomed. It was not the most friendly of welcomes, but I was welcomed nonetheless.

80. "If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"- George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000
-For once, I will have to agree with the president. I mean, it's as simple as, "If you're reading a book, you're reading a book" or "If you're eating food, then you're eating food!" It's so simple and logical when you think about it.

79. "Wow! Brazil is big."- George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005
-George is obviously a visual learner...

78. "And if you're interested in the quality of education and you're paying attention to what you hear at Laclede, why don't you volunteer? Why don't you mentor a child how to read?"- St. Louis, Missouri, Jan. 5, 2004
-With your "mential" problems, how about you "mentor" a child how to read?

77. "It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children."- Remarks on "parental empowerment in education," Washington, D.C., April 12, 2001
-Yes, let's get on to the finger-pointing and name-calling with you and the crew that surrounds you.

76. "I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."- George W. Bush, second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000
-So, an effort for racial profiling is literate children? I'm confused Mr. President.

75. "I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."- George W. Bush, third presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 18, 2000
-Now, there's a thought...

74. "We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow."- George W. Bush, Tbilisi, Georgia, May 10, 2005
-Just as we discussed to go ahead a violent yesterday. Yeah, that makes sense.

73. "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005
-Okay, so with your logic, it's in our country's best interests to find those who would not harm us and put them in harm's way? I hate to disagree on this, but I think that kind of logic may get us into some problems sir.

72. "The truth of the matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off."- George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004
-You said this when you were actually president? Are you admitting that the U.S. would be better off with Saddam Hussein as president than you? That is a scary thought.

71. "In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."- George W. Bush, on smallpox vaccinations, Washington, D.C., Dec. 11, 2002
-I agree. It's all about what's best for you. If you have some left over to give to the family, then that's great, but if not, it's not going to kill them or anything.

70. "We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."- George W. Bush, Houston, Texas, Sept. 6, 2000
-Okay, now how is that actually going to work?

69. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."- George W. Bush, Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
-Just as I know that Bush and a dictionary can coexist peacefully.

68. "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you."- George W. Bush, Gulfport, Mississippi, Sept. 20, 2005
-Did you ever take English for a class? On any level?

67. "Another example would be the Dred Scott case, which is where judges, years ago, said that the Constitution allowed slavery because of personal property rights. That's a personal opinion. That's not what the constitution says. The constitution of the United States says we're all- you know, it doesn't say that. It doesn't speak to the equality of America."- George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004
-Do you know anything about the Constitution Mr. President? I read that not long ago, you referred to it as "Just a piece of paper." Do you have an advisor read you what is in the Constitution every now and again, along with what you're read in the daily briefings? How about comic strips? Horoscopes?

66. "Actually, I- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."- George W. Bush, Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000
-No, that doesn't sound West Texan. That doesn't sound West Anything. That just sounds completely stupid.

65. "They said, 'You know, this issue doesn't seem to resignate with the people.' And I said, you know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn't matter to me, because I stand for doing what's the right thing, and what the right thing is hearing the voices of people who work."- George W. Bush, Portland, Oregon, Oct. 31, 2000
-Did you inhale a lot at the gas station as a kid?

64. "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things."- George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
-Might as well call him Curious George. He does things just from curiosity, as opposed to actually thinking things through first. I knew some people like that once, back in 2nd grade.

63. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."- George W. Bush, Tucson, Arizona, Nov. 28, 2005
-Those who have children are parents.

62. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."- George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, May 14, 2001
-Unacceptable? I can tell you what's unacceptable! Someone who is currently sitting in the White House!

61. "Never again in the halls of Washington, D.C., do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain."- George W. Bush, Portland, Oregon, Oct. 31, 2000
-This is a regular occurrence for you, isn't it George?

60. "I was going to say he's a piece of work, but that might not translate too well. Is that all right, if I call you a 'piece of work'?"- George W. Bush, to Jean-Claude Juncker, prime minister of Luxembourg, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005
-Is it all right if I call you an idiot, George?

59. "We must have the attitude that every child in America- regardless of where they're raised or how they're born- can learn."- New Britain, Connecticut, April 18, 2001
-Okay, I'm just going to pretend you didn't say that.

58. "I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging."- George W. Bush, at the dedication of his portrait, Austin, Texas, Jan. 4, 2002
-Hey, no problem. So, when and where is it going to be?

57. "The woman who knew that I had dyslexia- I never interviewed her."- George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia, Orange, California, Sept. 15, 2000
-Dyslexics are supposedly bright, so I don't think you have anything to worry about there Georgie.

56. "I think we agree. The past is over."- On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
-I think we agree. You are stupid.

55. "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"- Concord, New Hampshire, Jan. 29, 2000
-Will your brain cells become less more? I'd love to hear your answer. Please lend me your "mential" insight.

54. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."- George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001
-Thank God you were never an English professor. I'm sure there were red marks all over your papers when you got them back from teachers.

53. "We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental- supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."- George W. Bush, Erie, Pennsylvania, Sept. 4, 2004
-Where did they buy these body parts Mr. President? What parts were bought most frequently?

52. "I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me."- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., April 14, 2005
-The father in you is a scary thought. The governor and president in you is an even scarier thought. Now, the mother in you? That one may take the cake right there.

51. "I'm occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005
-That's a step up from the first term.

50. "I can only speak to myself."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005
-That's actually somewhat believable.

49. "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them."- George W. Bush, Dec. 18, 2000
-Yeah, you have a mighty quick trigger finger when it comes to that, don't you?

48. "You know, sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."- George W. Bush, on what he told Russian president Vladimir Putin, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal, June 25, 2001
-Sometimes when you drive, you get stuck in traffic.

47. "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."- George W. Bush, April 10, 2001
-Why does that come as no surprise? A solution to this administration is like kryptonite to Superman.

46. "But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves."- George W. Bush, Springfield, Missouri, Feb. 9, 2004
-That's just a little bit too much information on Travis and others like him.

45. "I hope you leave here and walk out and say, 'What did he say?'"- George W. Bush, Beaverton, Oregon, Aug. 13, 2004
-You will be very pleased once you walk out of here then, that's for certain.

44. "First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."- George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001
-We elected you and you don't make sense for this country, so I guess that makes sense.

43. "There a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'"- George W. Bush, Boston, Massachusetts, Oct. 3, 2000
-So, what you're saying is this huge trust is basically the fact that the people can't trust you? Is that what you're trying to tell us?

42. "If they pre-decease or die early, there's an asset base to be able to pass on to a loved one."- George W. Bush, on Social Security money held in private accounts, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, March 30, 2005
-If decease means to die, wouldn't "pre-decease" mean before death? So, if there was such a term as "pre-decease," wouldn't every living person be in that stage of life?

41. "I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese- that meant that they weren't very effective."- White House press conference, Washington, D.C., Feb. 22, 2001
-I have to say that speed limit laws are like Cadbury eggs, meaning that they are quite effective.

40. "Those of us who spent time in the agricultural sector and in the heartland, we understand how unfair the death penalty is."- Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 28, 2001
-Yes, and the professional athletes understand the research and studies surrounding global warming.

39. "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003
-I met a history teacher once and was blown away by his knowledge of history.

38. "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
-Wow, it's true. Everyone, even George, learns something new every day.

37. "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."- George W. Bush, Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000
-Sadly enough, even after hearing that, people joined their campaign.

36. "I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read- I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."- On abortion, Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000
-No, no, reality passed you long ago. I'm asking you, Mr. President, do you understand anything?

35. "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."- CNBC, April 15, 2000
-The whole world would be shocked if they found out you was ever bright.

34. "The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."- George W. Bush, Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000
-That makes for an odd visual.

33. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."- George W. Bush, on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005
-So, describe this friend's soil to me Georgie.

32. "Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of (Dr. Seuss's) 'Hop on Pop.'"- George W. Bush, in a speech about childhood education, Washington, D.C., April 2, 2002
-Is this a nightly occurrence?

31. "We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make- it would hope- put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 14, 2005
-Why don't you tell us how you really feel on that one buddy.

30. "Who could have possibly envisioned an erection- an election in Iraq at this point in history?"- George W. Bush, at the White House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005
-Obviously you, with that Freudian slip.

29. "Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter."- George W. Bush, advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, New Mexico, Jan. 22, 2004
-Animals rights groups just loved that one, I'm sure.

28. "[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003
-Yeah, as we all know, unfortunately.

27. "And so, in my State of the- my State of the Union- or state- my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation- I asked Americans to give 4,000 years- 4,000 hours over the next- the rest of your life- of service to America. That's what I asked- 4,000 hours."- George W. Bush, Bridgeport, Connecticut, April 9, 2002
-It's sad when a president doesn't even know what his State of the Union speech is called. Then, 4,000 years? Even 4,000 hours. That would be the equivalent of approximately 167 days. The president hasn't even given that during his tenure...not 4,000 good productive hours of service, anyway.

26. "If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it."- George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 18, 2000
-He makes it so easy on himself. If he doesn't understand a question, went blank for a moment, doesn't remember what he said previously, then the guy resorts to responses like this one. Way to go Mr. President!

25. "In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'"- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005
-Just the fact that the president said this means he thought about it. Because he said it and thought about it, chances are he thought about it while in the Oval Office, and who knows, for the portraits are my witnesses, he really asked them what his standing would be, amongst other very deep, philosophical questions. That's what portraits are most loved for, you know.

24. "I don't bring God into my life to - to, you know, kind of be a political person."- George W. Bush, interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003
-You could never "kind of be a political person" no matter how hard you tried, buddy.

23. "The folks who conducted to act on our country on September 11th made a big mistake. They underestimated America. They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom. They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need. They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the Commander-in-Chief, too."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2001
-I don't think anyone could "misunderestimate" your idiocy.

22. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."- George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000
-Yeah, and it's those that follow through with what they said they were going to do that you really have to watch. There's something very suspicious about those fellows.

21. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."- George W. Bush, Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
-I'm sure you do. I'm sure you learned in your own special little way as a child, that, in order to fill yourself, you had to pour some meat, fruit, vegetables, and your choice of a beverage, all onto yourself. Or maybe you did this as a religious ritual that no one else in the world knows about.

20. "There's a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to get into the Mitchell process. And- but first things first. The- these terrorist acts and, you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework- the groundwork- not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the- all right."- George W. Bush, referring to former Sen. George Mitchell's report on Middle East peace, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 13, 2001
-First things first, just stop talking. Do the world a favor and duct tape your mouth shut.

19. "Do you have blacks, too?"- to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
-With questions like that, it seems that George's mind is set back 50 to 60 years.

18. "Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement- retiring- in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring."- George W. Bush, Alexandria, Virginia, Feb. 12, 2003
-How many times can you use some form of the word 'retire' in a sentence? Jorge does it 5 times here. If that's not some kind of record, then I'm sure George, himself, broke it.

17. "Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."- George W. Bush, in a press conference with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, Sept. 24, 2001
-I wonder why this is...

16. "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard."- George W. Bush, repeating the phrases "hard work," "working hard," "hard choices," and other "hard"-based verbiage 22 times in his first debate with Senator John Kerry
-It's hard, hard work, incredibly hard work trying to sit through a speech of his.

15. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"- George W. Bush, Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000
-Not rarely is the question asked: Is you an idiot?

14. "I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."- George W. Bush, Jan. 18, 2001
-I hope that my team realizes that they are more likely to win if they score more points than the opponent as opposed to less.

13. "It is white."- George W. Bush, asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001
-In this very short Q&A session, I wonder who had the higher IQ between the two...

12. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."- George W. Bush, speaking at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
-Whether the president is there physically or not, he's never really "there," so regardless of his physical presence at a meeting or a conference, he'll come up with the same answers to the questions.

11. "There's an old saying in Tennessee- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee- that says, fool me once, shame on- shame on you. Fool me- you can't get fooled again."- George W. Bush, Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002
-There's only one fool here Mr. President. Read the quote and you'll know exactly who I'm talking about.

10. "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"- Governor George W. Bush, Dec. 6, 1993
-I've got three words for you- preparation.

9. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."- George W. Bush, speaking to minority journalists, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004
-Bush, you're disappointing me, only five forms of 'sovereign' in three sentences? You got to pick it up if you want to break your record of 5 of the same word in one sentence.

8. "It's totally wiped out. ...It's devastating, it's got to be doubly devastating on the ground."- George W. Bush, turning to his aides while surveying Hurricane Katrina flood damage from Air Force One, Aug. 31, 2005
-Gee, do you think? I bet things look a lot bigger on the ground too!

7. "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004
-I'm sure the feelings are very mutual...

6. "You work three jobs? ...Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."- George W. Bush, to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005
-Wow, uniquely American? You're unique sir, and not in a good way. I don't think her point was to brag about working three jobs, along with trying to raise three children, following a divorce. Her first thought in mind was, "Wow, I'm excited. I hope the president thinks I'm unique, special, or best yet, uniquely American. That would make my day!" The president is in denial and never afraid to show it.

5. "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."- George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Missouri, Sept. 6, 2004
-That was well-worded, wasn't it?

4. "We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House- make no mistake about it."- Washington, D.C., Feb. 7, 2001
-Yeah, you, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz...With those hotties, there should be great concern about AIDS spreading through the White House.

3. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and people, and neither do we."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
-Yeah, so we noticed.

2. "I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war."- George W. Bush, Charleston West Virginia, Jan. 27, 2002
-Why does this not surprise me?

1. (drum roll please) "I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."- George W. Bush, in response to a question about whether he could take back any of his answers in the first debate, Reynoldsberg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000
-How well does that quote sum things up right there?

There you have it. You're all welcome to send smart alec remarks to a quote of Bush's, send a quote that I may have missed, or let me know what your favorite was on the list.

The Bush Quote Countdown

All these quotes, whether you want to believe it or not, were said by the president of the United States, George W. Bush, at one time or another. So, sit back, relax, have some good laughs, and enjoy the president's "special" moments (He's had many of them).

100. "This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses."- At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

99. "Bill wrote a book at Yale. I read one."- George W. Bush, on William F. Buckley, Al Smith Dinner, New York City, Oct. 19, 2000

98. "The senate needs to leave enough money in the proposed budget to not only reduce all marginal rates, but to eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race."- Washington D.C., April 5, 2001

97. "Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it."- George W. Bush, third presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 18, 2000

96. "The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating, I mean I spoke out on interracial dating. I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating."- George W. Bush, interview with CBS News, February 25, 2000

95. "The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house."- Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

94. "But Iraq has - have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future."- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., April 28, 2005

93. "It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is."- Press conference, Washington D.C., March 29, 2001

92. GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb- I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of - I shouldn't call him my little brother- my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.- The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000

91. "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

90. "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."- George W. Bush, Nov. 2, 2000

89. "I understand small business growth. I was one."- New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2001

88. "Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state."- Council Bluffs, Iowa, Feb. 28, 2001

87. "The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."- George W. Bush, Jan. 14, 2001

86. "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."- George W. Bush, in Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

85. "It's about past seven in the evening here so we're actually in different time lines."- George W. Bush, congratulating newly elected Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Washington, D.C., Jan. 2001

84. "There are some monuments where the land is so widespread, they just encompass as much as possible. And the integral part of the- the precious part, so to speak- I guess all land is precious, but the part that the people uniformly would not want to spoil, will not be despoiled. But there are parts of the monument lands where we can explore without affecting the overall environment."- Media round table, Washington, D.C., March 13, 2001

83. "I think it's very important for world leaders to understand that when a new administration comes in, the new administration will be running the foreign policy."- George W. Bush, interview with USA Today, Jan. 12, 2001

82. "I'm the master of low expectations."- George W. Bush, abroad Air Force One, June 4, 2003

81. "I think we are welcomed. But it was not a peaceful welcome."- George W. Bush, defending Vice President Dick Cheney's pre-war assertion that the United States would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators, NBC Nightly News interview, Dec. 12, 2005

80. "If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"- George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

79. "Wow! Brazil is big."- George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

78. "And if you're interested in the quality of education and you're paying attention to what you hear at Laclede, why don't you volunteer? Why don't you mentor a child how to read?"- St. Louis, Missouri, Jan. 5, 2004

77. "It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children."- Remarks on "parental empowerment in education," Washington, D.C., April 12, 2001

76. "I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."- George W. Bush, second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000

75. "I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."- George W. Bush, third presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 18, 2000

74. "We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow."- George W. Bush, Tbilisi, Georgia, May 10, 2005

73. "It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

72. "The truth of the matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off."- George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

71. "In other words, I don't think people ought to be compelled to make the decision which they think is best for their family."- George W. Bush, on smallpox vaccinations, Washington, D.C., Dec. 11, 2002

70. "We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."- George W. Bush, Houston, Texas, Sept. 6, 2000

69. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."- George W. Bush, Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

68. "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you."- George W. Bush, Gulfport, Mississippi, Sept. 20, 2005

67. "Another example would be the Dred Scott case, which is where judges, years ago, said that the Constitution allowed slavery because of personal property rights. That's a personal opinion. That's not what the constitution says. The constitution of the United States says we're all- you know, it doesn't say that. It doesn't speak to the equality of America."- George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 8, 2004

66. "Actually, I- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."- George W. Bush, Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000

65. "They said, 'You know, this issue doesn't seem to resignate with the people.' And I said, you know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn't matter to me, because I stand for doing what's the right thing, and what the right thing is hearing the voices of people who work."- George W. Bush, Portland, Oregon, Oct. 31, 2000

64. "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things."- George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

63. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."- George W. Bush, Tucson, Arizona, Nov. 28, 2005

62. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."- George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, May 14, 2001

61. "Never again in the halls of Washington, D.C., do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain."- George W. Bush, Portland, Oregon, Oct. 31, 2000

60. "I was going to say he's a piece of work, but that might not translate too well. Is that all right, if I call you a 'piece of work'?"- George W. Bush to Jean-Claude Juncker, prime minister of Luxembourg, Washington, D.C., June 20, 2005

59. "We must have the attitude that every child in America- regardless of where they're raised or how they're born- can learn."- New Britain, Connecticut, April 18, 2001

58. "I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging."- George W. Bush, at the dedication of his portrait, Austin, Texas, Jan. 4, 2002

57. "The woman who knew that I had dyslexia- I never interviewed her."- George W. Bush, responding to a magazine article claiming he suffered from dyslexia, Orange, California, Sept. 15, 2000

56. "I think we agree. The past is over."- On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

55. "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"- Concord, New Hampshire, Jan. 29, 2000

54. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."- George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

53. "We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental- supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."- George W. Bush, Erie, Pennsylvania, Sept. 4, 2004

52. "I'm going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it's the Mother in me."- George W. Bush, Washington D.C., April 14, 2005

51. "I'm occasionally reading, I want you to know, in the second term."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

50. "I can only speak to myself."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

49. "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them."- George W. Bush, Dec. 18, 2000

48. "You know, sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."- George W. Bush, on what he told Russian president Vladimir Putin, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal, June 25, 2001

47. "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."- George W. Bush, April 10, 2001

46. "But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves."- George W. Bush, Springfield, Missouri, Feb. 9, 2004

45. "I hope you leave here and walk out and say, 'What did he say?'"- George W. Bush, Beaverton, Oregon, Aug. 13, 2004

44. "First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."- George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001

43. "There a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'"- George W. Bush, Boston, Massachusetts, Oct. 3, 2000

42. "If they pre-decease or die early, there's an asset base to be able to pass on to a loved one."- George W. Bush, on Social Security money held in private accounts, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, March 30, 2005

41. "I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese- that meant that they weren't very effective."- White House press conference, Washington, D.C., Feb. 22, 2001

40. "Those of us who spent time in the agricultural sector and in the heartland, we understand how unfair the death penalty is."- Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 28, 2001

39. "I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003

38. "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003

37. "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."- George W. Bush, Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

36. "I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read- I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."- On abortion, Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000

35. "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."- CNBC, April 15, 2000

34. "The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."- George W. Bush, Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

33. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."- George W. Bush, on visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005

32. "Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of (Dr. Seuss's) 'Hop on Pop.'"- George W. Bush, in a speech about childhood education, Washington, D.C., April 2, 2002

31. "We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make- it would hope- put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 14, 2005

30. "Who could have possibly envisioned an erection- an election in Iraq at this point in history?"- George W. Bush, at the White House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005

29. "Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter."- George W. Bush, advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, New Mexico, Jan. 22, 2004

28. "[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003

27. "And so, in my State of the- my State of the Union- or state- my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation- I asked Americans to give 4,000 years- 4,000 hours over the next- the rest of your life- of service to America. That's what I asked- 4,000 hours."- George W. Bush, Bridgeport, Connecticut, April 9, 2002

26. "If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it."- George W. Bush, during the third presidential debate, St. Louis, Missouri, Oct. 18, 2000

25. "In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my standing will be?'"- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 16, 2005

24. "I don't bring God into my life to - to, you know, kind of be a political person."- George W. Bush, interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003

23. "The folks who conducted to act on our country on September 11th made a big mistake. They underestimated America. They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom. They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need. They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the Commander-in-Chief, too."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2001

22. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."- George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

21. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."- George W. Bush, Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

20. "There's a lot of people in the Middle East who are desirous to get into the Mitchell process. And- but first things first. The- these terrorist acts and, you know, the responses have got to end in order for us to get the framework- the groundwork- not framework, the groundwork to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the- all right."- George W. Bush, referring to former Sen. George Mitchell's report on Middle East peace, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 13, 2001

19. "Do you have blacks, too?"- to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

18. "Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement- retiring- in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring."- George W. Bush, Alexandria, Virginia, Feb. 12, 2003

17. "Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."- George W. Bush, in a press conference with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, Sept. 24, 2001

16. "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard."- George W. Bush, repeating the phrases "hard work," "working hard," "hard choices," and other "hard"-based verbiage 22 times in his first debate with Senator John Kerry

15. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"- George W. Bush, Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000

14. "I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."- George W. Bush, Jan. 18, 2001

13. "It is white."- George W. Bush, asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001

12. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."- George W. Bush, speaking at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

11. "There's an old saying in Tennessee- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee- that says, fool me once, shame on- shame on you. Fool me- you can't get fooled again."- George W. Bush, Nashville, Tennessee, Sept. 17, 2002

10. "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"- Governor George W. Bush, Dec. 6, 1993

9. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."- George W. Bush, speaking to minority journalists, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

8. "It's totally wiped out. ...It's devastating, it's got to be doubly devastating on the ground."- George W. Bush, turning to his aides while surveying Hurricane Katrina flood damage from Air Force One, Aug. 31, 2005

7. "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004

6. "You work three jobs? ...Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."- George W. Bush, to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5. "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."- George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Missouri, Sept. 6, 2004

4. "We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House- make no mistake about it."- Washington, D.C., Feb. 7, 2001

3. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and people, and neither do we."- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

2. "I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war."- George W. Bush, Charleston West Virginia, Jan. 27, 2002

1. (drum roll please) "I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."- George W. Bush, in response to a question about whether he could take back any of his answers in the first debate, Reynoldsberg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

There you are, I hope you enjoyed it. Honestly, I enjoyed constructing this. Listening to Bush or reading his quotes always gets me laughing. Unfortunately, I had to cut out a lot of good quotes to narrow the field down to 100. Yeah, like I said, Georgie has had many special moments during his tenure. So, if anyone wants to share a quote that I didn't put on this list, you're welcome to send that my way and share it with everyone that reads this. I may be adding on a smart alec analysis of Bush's Top 100 quotes, but don't expect that for another couple days. Happy holidays all. Stay safe and have fun.

Here are the links I used for the quotes:
http://www.00fun.com/bushquotes.shtml
http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/l-george_bush_quotes.html
http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/georgewbush.html
http://www.gwjokes.com/quotes/index.php
http://www.speedygrl.com/bushquotes.html
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm

Preview for Laughs

In spirit of the holiday season, I'd like to bring laughter to people all over the world. Who brings out the laughter through his idiocy like no one else? President George W. Bush. Whether you love him or hate him, you have to admit, the guy has a way with words. He's not smooth with his words, either. The way he has with words is a way I haven't seen nor heard before. Perhaps he has dyslexia. Perhaps he's still stoned and plastered from his college days. Perhaps he looked up to Forrest Gump just a little too much. Whatever the reason, he is "special," and you know exactly what kind of special I'm talking about. Listen to the guy talk or just read conference or interview transcripts and it's a headache waiting to happen. Sometimes, he may be a word or a letter off in a sentence and you may understand what it is he's trying to say, but other times, he's six or seven words off, goes from southwest to northwest to northeast to southeast and that causes great confusion for anyone listening to or reading it. What I've decided to do is a little research on the greatest (funniest) Bush quotes in the past 5+ years and I will give them to you as my holiday treat for laughter. Unfortunately, I found so dang many (like I said, the guy has a way with words), that I will have to narrow the field down a bit before I type them all out. I may do it in a countdown format, as well. What will the #1 quote be? Check back in and find out. I hope to have it finished by tonight sometime.

It's the Most Commercialized Time of the Year

Ahh, it's that time of year again. December and February are the ultimate commercial months, especially when it comes to pressure and guilt. I'm no grinch or scrooge, but as I've grown up, my perception of holidays like Christmas and Valentine's Day have altered immensely.

This time of year was so exciting back when I was young and naive'. It was about a big snuggly teddy bear-like guy named Santa Claus, his reindeer, and his quest to give gifts to all those that deserved them. So, you better be good! I was always told stories of Santa putting coal in kids' stockings if they hadn't been good that year. I'd go to the mall to sit on Santa's lap, not realizing there were hundreds more Santas doing the exact same thing. Santa would ask what I wanted and I'd give him the lowdown. Magically, on Christmas Day, I'd wake up to see bundles of presents underneath the tree. The naivete', the surprises, the stories, that's what made Christmas so fun when I was a kid. But, unfortunately, I had to grow up.

I actually grew up earlier than most. Ever since I was fifteen (nine years ago), I told my family that I didn't want anything for Christmas and just wanted to give the money to the poor. They all thought I was kidding, said it was just nice to think that, but, seriously, that's what I really wanted.

Anymore though, I see these overly-commericalized holidays as a way to pressure and guilt trip people into buying unnecessary things, especially the goodies- the very expensive things. After the holidays are over, some may brag about what they got, others may laugh, some may be filled with disappointment, others content, but why does it have to be about this? Why does it have to revolve around consumerism? Around money? Around objects? As I had learned when I was fifteen, I had all the essentials in life: food, water, shelter, family, love, clothing. I was one of the lucky ones. But, there are many out there who aren't so lucky and they need the essentials far more than we lucky ones need the extras.

When I look back on the story, I think Santa should change his philosophy. Instead of just giving to those that were "good," how about giving to those that need? December is a wild and crazy month for shoppers. If you want to go to a mall on a weekend in December, good luck finding a parking spot. Buying gifts for someone you love and care about is great, but that can be done any time of the year. Why not surprise them on June 13th or October 2nd or December 11th? It may be even more appreciated on a date when they're not expecting it or on a rainy day when they're not feeling the best. During the holiday season, having some time off to spend with family, friends, and loved ones, along with the opportunity to give to those who truly need the essentials in life, should make for truly the most wonderful time of the year. I hope that many make the most of that time and realize it's not about the quantity, but about the quality.

"I am not a -ist!"

You ever know a person who would use a derogatory remark towards someone, saying this in a very stern and angry manner, and then look at you and say something along the lines of, "Dude, I'm not a -ist!" Whatever that -ist may be, racist, sexist, homophobic (not -ist, but close enough). I know a couple people like that and can only wonder what is going on through that noggin' of theirs when saying those things. I even wonder less about what is going on inside their head when they're saying the stupid remark about a person as when they try to rationalize their remark. It'd be like if there was a married couple. The wife walks in on the husband making out and doing other things with another woman. He sees her (the wife), turns around, and says, "Honey, I'm not a cheater!" You know, it could be very easy to deny things and even lie about things if a person didn't see or hear you in action. If the man had cheated on his wife and she was away on a business trip, then it wouldn't be so difficult for him to hide what happened (unless he had a conscience, of course). But, when she sees it for herself? Good luck buddy. You're busted! Same thing here. If these people kept their mouths shut and their derogatory comments to themselves, then it'd be easy for them to pass as not being an -ist to the people they hang around. But, to actually say these things in front of people? Again, you're busted! I know someone who will bust out the "n" word and he'll get rolling with it here and there. When he does this, I'm completely speechless. Then, he'll glance up and give me this very odd look and say, "Man, I'm not a racist." Uh-huh. I'll start believing that when I see and hear it.

Feel Safer Now?

In light of recent press outing the fact that the president has been spying on US civilians, I thought to myself, my, don't I feel safe? Doesn't everyone? Of course, as politicians so often do, they'll try to euphemize what is going on and say, "Oh, we're just watching over you, that's all, to protect you." Uh huh. Nice try there guys.

Let's look at this, shall we? 9/11 was a horrific day in American history, but what many people don't look at is the fact that it provided opportunity for Bush and his crew to reach into their baggy of goodies and pull things out that they never thought would be possible, unless a national tragedy like 9/11 occurred. As any national tragedy would do, 9/11 brought fear to the American people and what did the government do? They took full advantage of that! They've been expanding their powers ever since that tragic day to an alarming level.

It all started with Bush claiming that Osama Bin Laden was the mastermind of the attacks and that he wanted him dead or alive. Odd, how, 4 years after the attacks, you hardly ever hear anyone up top talking about this Bin Laden fellow. How difficult can it be to find a 6'5'' Arab man walking with a stick in one hand and attached to a dialysis machine? I'm sure there are many of them walking around in the Middle East. But, nope, haven't found the guy and there hasn't been much talk of doing so in recent months.

Next, the president went delusional when he announced the War on Terror. He listed off countries he was going to go after: Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and Syria. Ahhh, that's always comforting, the knowledge that the most powerful man in the country's intention is to fight battles in four (five including Afghanistan) countries. Great, that'll be five more countries who want to come after us.

How about the USA Patriot Act? I'm curious on how many people have actually looked over and read about the bill. That was passed on October 26th, 2001, just over a month after the attacks. What did that cleverly titled bill impose? It allowed the sneak and peek of homes, allowed the searching of homes without a warrant, allowed for our library and medical files to be looked over without our knowledge. It also made the term "terrorist" a very vague and loose term, so that it could be used against those who simply did not support the policies of the president, such as peace and anti-war groups.

The color-coded system was very...cute. Who pays attention to these things anymore, anyway? What is it? Orange, red, yellow, green, lavender, periwinkle, and hot pink? Strangely enough, it was effective for a while. Bush's top aides made sure to raise the terror-alert level when his ratings were dropping or back before the re-election, when Kerry had pulled ahead. Ironically enough, it brought fear into the mind of the public, and the government would then lower the level a couple days afterward. Studies have shown that Bush's approval ratings have increased a good percentage in the following days of the alert level being raised.

We then went to war with Iraq without approval, which is against International Law, so that was...special. Over 2,100 US soldiers have died. Well over 10,000 more have been wounded. Over 30,000 Iraqi civilians have perished and over 90,000 Iraqis total (including insurgents). I've lost track of how much money we've spent on the war. But, we went from a $3 trillion surplus at the end of Clinton's reign to a $2 trillion deficit in 5+ years under the Bush Administration. It might even be more than $2 trillion now. I've stopped counting. There is also no end in sight. The heads of the federal government say they'll begin withdrawing troops when we achieve victory. What is victory, though? First, it was to find weapons of mass destruction and then, oops, they weren't there. Then it was the fact that Iraq was linked to Al-Qaeda, and was therefore part of the 9/11 attacks. That too was proven to be false. So, on to plan C: Ahh, I got it! Everyone will love this one! Let's spread democracy to Iraq! That will help win the War on Terror! Some alongside Bush have said that it could last a couple years to 10 to 15 to 20 years. So, what was the main goal and purpose for this illegal invasion? Who knows, but I can guarantee you the initial intention wasn't to spread democracy to Iraq.

The Katrina response was lovely. Good old Michael Brown, who was head of FEMA when they went to New Orleans and was appointed to that position by the president (they're old pals), never had any experience with that type of work. What was he experienced in? Horse training! Bush's nomination for Supreme Court Justice Harriet Miers was humorous as well. She had no experience in that line of work either. What was her experience in? The beautiful business of keno. These nominations go alongside the indictments and charges brought against Tom DeLay, Scooter Libby, Cunningham, and possibly Karl Rove.

How about that Miami shooting? At first, from how the government described it, it sounded like the air marshals may have done the right thing. But, based on further reports and stories I've read, witnesses claim the man never said the word "bomb" and that they were more frightened of the air marshals than of the man who was shot and killed. Instead of pointing at the ground, the marshals had the guns at people's heads, knocking one man's phone from him and putting the shotgun to his head. The DHS (Department of Homeland Security) just released a report stating that the air marshals overreacted. Gee, do you think?

This finally brings us to the latest scandal. After 9/11, Bush authorized domestic spying, using wiretaps, for our protection, so he and his administration claim. That'd be like my parents using all the devices they could possibly use to spy on (watch over) me. Some people may say, "Well, if you have nothing to hide, what's the problem?" The problem is an invasion of privacy going on that is shrinking our freedoms so hard that our forefathers have to be spinning so hard in their grave that they've been upgraded to an F3 tornado. Would I feel safer if my parents were watching over my every move? No. I'd feel paranoid. Because, let's be honest, we all do and say things we don't want our folks to know about. Some things are best to be kept private, which is the same in this case. They don't need to be spying on peace protesters, putt putt courses (funny, but a putt putt course was on the watch list until recent), Catholic Churches (two students from a Catholic Church in Alaska are on the watch list. They're in 3rd and 4th grade), or coming directly to a university to inquire a kid on a book he was reading (he was doing a book report on Communism). They don't need to be intercepting and reading our e-mails or wiretapping our phone calls. Again, that isn't "watching over," that's "spying on."

So, my question was and is, do we feel safer? After we have yet to find the supposed mastermind of 9/11, Osama Bin Laden? After the declaration of a War on Terror that will never end and through that, make increasing amounts of enemies? After a Patriot Act that infringes upon US Civilians' Civil Liberties? After the government intentionally used their color-coded system for personal gain? After 2,100 US soldiers were killed, 10,000 more wounded, and over 90,000 total Iraqis were killed? After the Katrina response, the Miers nomination, and the continual indictments inside the administration? After the shooting of an innocent man with bipolar disorder on an airplane? After the outing of the government's wiretapping? After Bush calls the Constitution just a piece of paper? If one doesn't care about their freedoms or privacy, then yes, they may proclaim. They do indeed feel safer. I, on the other hand, do not. I find it highly disturbing and ironic that while our soldiers are over in Iraq attempting to spread democracy to the best of their abilities in a foreign land; we're having our rights, liberties, and freedoms slowly stripped away from us.

The Other Funny Story

Well, as I've got some time here before I head out, I thought I'd tell the other funny date story I had. Of course, the first story entailed a gal pretending that she was figure skating for over two hours right after she saw her favorite ice skater do his routine. I don't think any date will ever be able to top that one in how odd, awkward, and uncomfortable it was. But, if I were to rank a series of dates with one person as the most odd and awkward that I've had, then this upcoming story would be that.

Just a couple years ago, a good friend of mine met this gal at work and she immediately thought that she and I would click. As soon as my friend got home, she told me all about her. She was kind, generous, educated, attractive, etc. I hadn't heard my friend so excited about setting me up before, so the feeling was contagious. This gal, we'll call her Jackie, and I talked one evening and she seemed very personable at first, very social, not uncomfortable at all, and she even asked me to meet up with her that night at this place she was babysitting at. I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with that, but thought, what the heck, it's better to meet sooner than later. When I arrived there, the lady whom she was babysitting for had arrived. So, there I was, at a place with this gal Jackie, two kids and the kids' mother, none of whom I had met before. Awkward? Yeah, usually, but I was up to the challenge that evening. Right from the get go, I thought Jackie was very attractive, but that social person I had talked to on the telephone never showed up. She was sitting on this couch and a child two seats over, so I plopped down right between them to chat. Right when I did that, she got up and sat on the floor. The kid popped a movie in the VCR, "Tuxedo" starring Jackie Chan. Jackie told me, "If I had kids, I'd never let them watch this. It's only PG-13, but still, there are violent scenes, a couple swear words, etc." Right then and there, I started to wonder about her. That was the only thing she said to me all night outside of an indirect unintended insult, which I'll get to in a second. The kids, the mother, and I talked and joked around, having a good old time. Jackie was just sitting there, mute, looking a TAD uncomfortable. The only time she spoke up was when she just up and asked me, "Do you sing?" I jokingly said, "Well, at karaokes, in the car when no one's in there, or in the shower sometimes, why?" She commented, "Oh, I was just wondering. You have a nice voice, so I thought maybe you'd have a nice singing voice." I then went from there and said, "Well, a friend of mine keeps telling me I should go into radio, but I don't know. I hear my voice a lot different from everyone else, so I have no idea if my voice is really cut out for the radio or anything like that." She then went from there, "Well, there was this one time that a guy in radio came to my school and gave a lecture. We all thought his voice was really hot on the radio, but then after we saw him, we couldn't listen to him on the radio anymore. He was just so ugly." I then jokingly remarked, "What, are you trying to tell me something?" The mother and I both laughed, but Jackie just sat there and said with a serious look on her face, "No." After that night, I thought to myself, well, maybe she's just shy when first meeting someone, so I thought I'd give her another chance.

She called me the very next day and asked me to church. I declined on that, but said she was welcome to call me after the service. She did so and invited me out with her two ex-Mormon friends. I've known a couple Mormons in my day, but partying Mormons, not the types who would seriously sit down and talk to you about their religion. So, I was interested in their experiences, since I was never brought up Mormon. They were married and sat next to one another, which meant that Jackie sat right next to me. Her two friends chatted with me during our stay there and I can't remember Jackie saying one word. She was hunched over, edging away from me, not giving me any eye contact. The fact that she seemed so uncomfortable, it made me a bit uncomfortable. We all said our goodbyes and I guess her friends tried talking to her, because they, like any sane person, could tell that something was wrong.

She called the next night and let it all out. I pretty much heard her life story, from family to friends to religion to politics to jobs to education to missions to odd theories of her's, pretty much everything. Let me mention some of those odd theories. She asked me if it was possible that a male and female be friends and that's it. When I said yes, she didn't believe it. After I told her I had won some money gambling not long before (and quite a bit of money at that), she fell silent and told me I needed help. Let it be known for the record that I won all the money off of $10, the amount of money it'd take to buy a CD or DVD on sale. She said I could never come over, especially by myself. I asked her why and her reasoning for this was, "Well, you know. You're a guy. I'm a girl. If we got together over here, things would probably happen, you know?" I then asked, "What, we couldn't just hang out, eat, drink, play games, cards, watch shows or movies, talk?" She basically said that it wasn't possible. I mentioned how I had drank two alcoholic beverages in the past four months (that's one drink per two months) and she suggested I go to AA and she'd even attend the meetings with me. Yet, she then carried on about how the only way to defeat these "problems" was to abstain from temptation. She told me how she had seen an R-rated movie once with vulgarity and the next morning, she was up and cursing every other word. Now, that's pretty weak. I have seen my fair share of R-rated films and I don't swear very often. Just because I hear the word eucalyptus in a movie doesn't mean I'm going to be saying it all day, because...ooooh, I heard it in an R-rated film. Then she told me, "Now, there are sometimes that I just want to run into the store and buy all the liquor in the liquor isle, but do I do that? No. I just don't go in there at all." Wow, now who's got the problem? I have a drink every other month (at this point in time) and she wants to buy out a whole liquor store? Then, it became lecture session for me. She lectured me on my friend who's gay, on the arts and entertainment that I'm into, on religion. I always tried to make deep conversation out of it, so it became more than her just relaying messages on to me that she saw in a video at church. But, ehh, let's just say thought-provoking questions and deep conversation is not in the cards for this girl. She then brought up fate and destiny and how one day she needed a dollar and found a dollar worth of change between the cushions in her couch and THAT right there was God putting that money in her couch. I then said, "Don't you think that over the years, change may have fallen out of you or your friends' pockets that were sitting on those cushions? It's not like the money just magically decided to show up, or did it? ::checks my cushions:: Ehh, no money in there. You know why? Because I don't carry change in my pockets! She also confessed to me that she collects mannequins. I always got an eery visual in my head of all these freaky mannequins at her place and immediately the music from "Psycho" would chime in (the shower scene). Jackie told the worst stories too. She told stories about buttercream muffins she made and was laughing the entire time she was telling me this story. I kept waiting for the punchline or for me to wake up from the nightmare and neither occurred. During the story, she was telling me how her friends and she laughed "hilariously." That's right, they didn't laugh hysterically. They laughed hilariously! I was trying to envision that, but I still have not observed a person laughing in this fashion. She was an interesting character, indeed.

But, that wasn't all. I kind of went by the three strikes and you're out rule with her. She asked me to a party and I accepted. One side of me wanted to say, there has to be something sane about this girl somewhere. I'll find it. The other half of me just wanted to see what kind of parties she went to. I felt a cult gathering coming on. I went and there I was, not in unfamiliar territory when it comes to hanging out with her. There were ten to fifteen people there, outside the two of us, whom I had never met before. I came to find out that she hadn't met any of them either, which made things even more awkward. But, as had been the case the previous two outings, I got along with everyone there and as had been the case the previous two times out, she hardly said a word to me. That's always nice. Someone invites you out, acts all excited, and then when you show up, it's like you're not there. But, I made the most of it. I had already concluded that this girl was a little bit on the loony side, so I just spent my time making wise cracks and conversing with everyone else. There was one point in the evening where the host of the party asked how Jackie and I met and I'll never forget the look Jackie gave me. It was the look of, "If you tell, I will come after you." So, I just made up this story about us meeting at Mardi Gras. Most everyone in the room liked the fictional story, except for Jackie of course. That was one of the few times she and I were in the same room. For the majority of the evening, she was in the opposite spectrum of the house with this gal she just met and they were playing cops'n'robbers with their cell phones. That was quite a spectacle. Toward the end of the night, it finally happened. No, not a tantrum. No, not a kiss (gag me). She made physical contact with me for the first time in three get togethers. I felt my right shoe tapped and she said she was going to take off. At that point in time, I was playing a game with the rest of the people and she had only said a couple words to me all night, so I decided to stick around and finish the game. When I left, I laughed and thought, well, that's it. Three times out. During those times, I met approximately 20 people whom I got along with, but she said maybe a total of 21 words to me during those three whatever you want to call thems. Yet, the very next day, she calls me all excited, saying how much fun she had the previous night (what, playing with her cell phone or tapping my shoe?), how impressed she was with my getting along with everyone and staying after she left, and how we should do that again sometime. She did ask me to a party not too long after that, but I declined and after that, I stopped calling her all together and she slowly did likewise.

But, I have heard and read some interesting things regarding this individual since we stopped talking. You see, when she and I hung out, she dressed like someone you'd envision being in "The Little House on the Prairie." Her clothes almost looked custom-made, from the 1800s, covering up everything she had and thensome. All I could see of her was her face, her shoes, and then a bunch of clothes in between. It was an odd sight. But, the friend of mine, who hooked Jackie and I up, saw her at an Awards Ceremony and said Jackie wore the showiest outfit there. When I heard this, I couldn't believe it, because, I mean, when I visualized Jackie, I saw a girl from "The Little House on the Prairie." But, come to realize, she has alternate personalities. I even found out that she was up for Miss Nebraska 2004. She didn't win, but she was one of the 21 final contestants up for Miss Nebraska last year. I looked at that and had to laugh. Yeah, she was good looking, but after I started getting to know her, she looked more crazy than good. I can just imagine if she was in the Miss America Pageant and the speaker came around asking them all, "If there was one thing you'd want, what would that one thing be?" They'd all say, "World peace," until they got to Jackie and she might come out and say, "I want every liquor isle that this country has to offer and every single mannequin that money can buy! Give it all to me! I want it now!" The "Psycho" music definitely rings in this time and I envision "Carrie" at the end of the movie, so people may want to get the heck out of there!