My Singles' Ad...well...sort of...

Hey there. How you doin'? My name is Craig, am roughly 29 years and 359 days old, 6'4'' minus a few inches, weigh in at 156.5 lbs. of pure muscle, with eyes as green as marijuana, hair like that of Brian Williams, a voice like James Earl Jones after sucking on helium and he also possesses very large hands (length and girth).

I like: Watching Hallmark movies while tripping on acid; quizzing George W. Bush on spelling, pronunciations and He-Man; fine dining (Ex. Burger King and Runza); telling pastors, "That's what she said;" impressing women with my mad Boggle, Scrabble and Sudoku skills; taking four left turns around the block and pretending I'm a NASCAR driver; smooth-talking the ladies by utilizing my own book, "A Polish Guide to Make the Ladies Like You and Stuff;" quoting silent films and watching sloths for 24 consecutive hours.

I also believe I read Chinese better than I read women and for the record, the only languages I've learned other than English are Spanglish, Minnesotan and Jive.

Oh, and I like long walks on the beach.

Being Typecast As The Shrink

Up until September 12th of 2003, I was known within my family and circle(s) of friends as the listener, the advice-giver, in other words, the shrink. When someone was having problems, I was the one to write, see or call.

The frequency and overall quantity of such occasions declined quite drastically following the before-mentioned date. After that date, I learned that while it's nice to be there for family and friends and to help as much as is possible, it's not good to partake in these activities so regularly that one loses track of their own needs and wants. That's what happened prior to September 12th, 2003. I put all my friends and family before myself and I wound up losing track of who I was, who I wanted to be and what I needed and wanted. After that date, I finally learned to look after myself first and foremost and to not let friends and family use me for constant listening and advice and/or typecast me as the counselor.

In time, I've been able to weed out most of my former "patients," but unfortunately, not all of them. There are a couple people in particular who come to me with regularity to vent and receive feedback on a problem they're having. I've known these two people almost all my life. They mean a great deal to me, but it seems they still have this idea that I'm their counselor lodged into their minds and they're seemingly unable to let go of that image. Once in a while, I don't mind it. I'll be happy to listen to them talk for a half hour and if they want, give them some advice. However, I can't do this on a regular basis.

Just the other day, they called in succession of one another, with their being about a 5-minute gap between the two phone calls. Both calls lasted about 20-30 minutes a piece and I may have uttered 20-30 total words in those two "conversations".

It gets a tad frustrating sometimes. It feels like my ears mean more to them than anything else. So long as I say, "Uh-huh," "Yeah," "Right" and "Mmm hmm," they're content. They also talk very quickly, so I have to find that split-second when they pause to get in a few words. Then when I'm about to speak, that's when I hear, "Well, I've got to get going. I'll talk to you later." Yeah, how true that sentiment is, THEY"LL talk to me later. I obviously won't be doing any talking.

I just wish these two people actually showed interest in more than themselves and their problems. If they're true friends, I'd think they'd ask me a few questions, be curious on what is going on in my life. Once in a while they will, but those times are few and far between.

It's kind of funny. From these two individuals in particular, I'll hear the comment, "You're kind of quiet." Yeah, I am when talking, excuse me, listening to them. They should hear what takes place when I'm talking with someone else. I and others can actually hear my voice! It's the damnedest thing! It's really quite something to have known a couple people for most of one's life and yet to come to the realization they don't know you all that well. Hopefully they'll eventually drop the typecast, but I'm not going to get my hopes up.

Drunken Guilt Complex (DGC)

For the first time in 2011, I decided to go out and drink last night. It was the first time I had drank alcohol in the new year (49 days). So, no, I'm not a drunk. However, it seems when I have a few drinks in an evening, there's a 50/50 chance I'll wake up feeling guilty about it. The same was true this morning.

I think it may be due to the fact someone very close to me has a problem with alcohol, so when I do drink, it instills a fear in me that I will one day become like him with regard to my consuming of alcohol. Also, it makes me feel guilty for being like him for even a single evening and that's the last thing I want to do.

I'm typically very happy after I've had a few adult soda pops. I become an exaggerated version of my sober self. But, when thinking back to an alcohol-filled evening, I feel guilt about not fully being myself, from being influenced by a foreign substance. I wasn't drunk, but was dang close and wound up calling someone fairly late. She is usually up until 1 am or so on weekdays and until 2-3 on weekends, so I thought if I called at midnight on a Friday night, she'd definitely be up. She probably was, but I was so paranoid about waking her up, I let the phone ring two full times and on the third ring, I hung up, thinking, "Well, if she's up, by her phone and wants to talk, she can call me back." This didn't happen and I'm probably making a bigger deal about it than I should, but still, I feel bad about it. I also spent more money than I should have. I'm not a beer drinker, so the cocktails I buy are $5-7 a piece, rather than $1-4 and that can add up, especially if one is at a bar for a few hours, which I was.

I think I'd be much more comfortable with drinking a few adult waters every now and again if certain individuals whom are close to me didn't drink so much. It's not my problem; it's theirs. At the same time, however, I don't want to feel like I'm encouraging their alcoholism by partaking in the same activity.

Guilt is a strange feeling to have after a night out at the bars, mainly due to another's bad drinking habit. Whatever it is and why ever it's present, I can't say with 100% certainty, but one thing I know for certain is that I don't like it.

I've noticed a trend among women I reject - They spread their legs to the public.

In the past couple weeks, I've learned of two women whom I rejected becoming, for lack of a better word, sluts. In fact, this trend can be seen as much as 9-10 years ago, but especially of late it seems.

From about May of '09 to September of '10 (16 months), I was talking to one gal, we'll call her Medusa, pretty regularly. When I flew to Omaha in July and again in August of 2010, she and I spent quite a bit of time together. She claimed to want to start a relationship with me and at one point, while drunk, she asked me to go get some condoms from her purse. No, she wasn't strange and wanted to snack on some latex, but yes, she had a fetish for removing her clothing and spreading her legs as I soon discovered. She and I weren't dating and in the grand scheme of things, hadn't hung out very much, so that moment made me rather uncomfortable. I rejected her easy access request and asked that she sober up and take me home, because of course, she was my ride and that was the only riding she was going to do that night. After that very evening, she and I began drifting apart. I stopped calling her as much, stopped writing her as much and had my mind made up that I didn't care to associate with her much anymore, let alone date her.

Not long ago, I learned from a friend that Medusa was looser than a toilet seat after being sat on by a sumo wrestler for 36 consecutive days. I guess while she was attempting to persuade me in dating her, she slept with six different guys and on two occasions, had to take the morning-after pill, due to her not being responsible the night before. Typically, these adult missionary sleepovers followed me telling her I wasn't sure what I felt or that I didn't think I felt anything stronger than a friendship. So I wasn't even rejecting her so to speak, just saying that I didn't know and this prompted her to know a man's penis better. Sorry, I should pluralize that - men's penises. There, that is the more accurate assessment. All I can say is thank Valtrex I didn't do anything with her. I'm gagging now having just typed that.

That brings me to the more recent of the two stories. I heard this just yesterday, which persuaded me to write this blog in the first place, because if it happens just once, it's probably just a coincidence, but if it happens again, then it may be time to ponder about the whorish ways of those one has rejected. This woman, I'll pretend her name is Nikita, has been "friends" off and on with me for about 10 years. I place "friends" in quotes because she hasn't been the most reliable of people in those 10 years, not the most consistent and when looking back, I see her more as an acquaintance and counseling patient than a genuine friend. Obviously my free-of-charge psychological evaluation(s) didn't benefit her much. Nikita has had a thing for me ("thing" being ambiguous, I'm sure) these past 10 years or so she claims. Each and every time she has brought up the idea of dating or of something physical/sexual, I've said no. Yet she will come back 6-12 months later and bring up the same tired routine, "So, if I like go up to you in a crowded library, take off all my clothes, give you a condom and start moaning, will you stick your thing into my thing?" Okay, so she wasn't THAT eloquent with her wording, but it presents a very similar message.

Nikita divorced Rover about 12-18 months ago, I'd say. She dated one jerk, Maximus, off and on for about a year. After all three of their break-ups, she called me to cry, vent and like a silly psychology major, I listened to this half-friend and gave her constructive feedback. Yes, I'm too nice sometimes, perhaps not as nice as Mister Rodgers on marijuana, but nice enough. After all three of these break-ups and after my listening to her and giving her feedback on the matter, she'd bring up the non-redundant idea of dating and/or sleeping together. One time, she called and after hello, she said, "You know, I think we should have sex." Ah yes, hello to you too and no. She was persistent. I will have to give her that. But after having gone through this with her time and again, I think there may be a very fine line between persistence and insanity.

Just recently, after I began picking up communication with someone I've liked for a good three years now, we'll call her Miranda, she again asked about my dating status. While technically I am single, I am interested in someone and until she flat out tells me that she's not interested, I'm not going to lose all hope on the matter and attempt to send my heart to another destination. When I relayed this news upon Nikita, she was none too pleased, said she felt like crying and thought I should give her a chance instead of Miranda. I had to politely decline (again) and wished her the best of luck in finding herself a good guy.

We then chatted the following week and Miranda was brought into the conversation again. I had sent her a package of personalized gift items earlier in the week, to which she responded very positively and after describing the gifts and the poem I had written for her for Valentine's Day, Nikita said, "Wow, that sounds really awesome. I've said it all along. You're the perfect man and I stand by that today." Flattering? Partially. It'd be more flattering if it was said by a person not wanting to get down my pants (yes, I know I probably sound like a woman there) and hum Isaac Hayes' "Shaft".

Just yesterday, she e-mailed me and told me the story of her dating life in the past couple months. From Monday, February 14th through Tuesday, she and one Paulie spent some quality time together. When I mean quality, I mean deep (well maybe, size does matter in this case) conversations like this, "Hey baby, front or back this time? Yeah, I've got my rub-a-dub-dub. I'm ready. Let's do this...again!" He then left after those two days by telling her he didn't feel a connection (outside of the penal-vaginal kind) and that he didn't see much of a future for the two of them. She then told me how she's dated 10 different guys in the past couple months and with all 10 guys, things ended similarly. So what does she have planned for this upcoming weekend? Three more dates!

I find these two women's persistence on getting me to sleep with them rather hilarious, because they both knew that unless I'm officially dating a woman, feel a strong trust and bond with her and see the potential for something very long-term, there's no chance in hell (or Iowa) that I will sleep with them. They also knew how long it's been since I've engaged in that sort of thing, due to being used and cheated on before (again, yes, I may sound like a woman there). Perhaps they felt I was all talk and as a guy, it was just my way of manipulating them into doing the deed of touching each other's naughty parts. In any case, I really have to wonder what was going through their minds after being rejected each and every time by a male for sex. Well, I hate to go, but I think I'm going to celebrate my rejection of STD's by smoking a cigarette.

Things Are Looking Up Health Wise

Well, I saw my neurologist today. It was potentially my last step in this battle I've fought for 20.5 months.

I had noticed that my symptoms had been waning since I began getting weened off a medication I had been taking for 11 years, tegretol, and being placed on another, lamictal. This trend has continued over the past month or two.

All I needed was to get a third opinion on what I should do from here. One neurosurgeon in Columbus stated that I shouldn't bother getting surgery around my spine, because the AVM (arteriovenous malformation) was not active and there would really be no point in my doing so. A neurosurgeon in Cleveland took the direct opposite angle and said if the AVM was active, it would get progressively worse, to the point where I could lose my legs and he'd recommend an angiogram to make certain AVM was present and if it was, to seriously consider surgery.

So, I asked my neurologist his opinion on the matter and he confidently sided with the Columbus neurosurgeon. He said there was no evidence of the AVM being active and due to that, he saw no reason to risk having surgery around my spine. If the AVM happened to be active, then I'd have something to think about, but based on what we know, there's no proof of that.

This was indeed a relief. As I told people with regard to the appointment, I was cautiously optimistic about it, because I know I am feeling better and if things supposedly get progressively worse with AVM being active, it was difficult for me to believe that it is in fact active. I also had a hunch that my doctor, not being a neurosurgeon excited about operating, would give me a more unbiased opinion than the two neurosurgeons I saw.

I can finally move forward with my life. For a little over a year and a half, I've been stuck in my household, unable to do a whole lot, uncertain of my future and seriously wondering if I'd ever attain happiness again. On February 10th of 2011, I got the final word, breathed a heavy sigh of relief, closed my eyes and tried to hold back the tears, before opening them and looking ahead.

Ah, Religious Hypocrisy At Its Finest and How That Makes My Back Tingle...

I realize we're all hypocrites to a certain degree. We've all, at least once in our lives, said something or claimed to believe something and went against those words or morals. Some do this a greater frequency than others, there's no question, but we've all done this at least once. So, I'm not here to lay claim that I've never been hypocritical. I have. I don't believe I've done it very much, but I have been guilty of it before.

If there's one type of hypocrisy that drives me crazier than any other, it's when the holier-than-thou folks lecture, preach and shove their beliefs down others' throats, making themselves seem above it all and they then prove they're no better than any of us. I was witness to this again today.

First, let it be known that I am in no way religious. I could care less what a person believes, so long as they don't harm themselves or another in the name of their religion. So, with that in mind, here's the story.

Today, I heard about a bar in the Omaha area, the owners of which I know personally, that is having doubts about serving a man whom is a regular customer there. This is an older gentleman, who fought for our country, pays well at the bar, makes a decent living for himself and seems to be friendly with the people there. BUT, I guess his teeth aren't the prettiest to look at and the way he dresses makes him appear to be a bum, even though he's not. So, his presence there makes some people uncomfortable, even though he doesn't smell bad, he's friendly, he pays well and he fought for this country.

So, when I heard this story, I stood up for the guy. Two people told me that some people were complaining, that he didn't dress well enough and he wasn't appealing to look at, etc. These two people claim to be Christian, to believe and worship a man, whom, according to scripture, was the least judgmental person in the history of man. So, they claim to believe and worship this being, to want nothing more than to follow in his footsteps, yet they pass judgment on a man whom fought for our country in war, pays well and is friendly, just because his appearance does not please the average person? How hypocritical can one be?

So, what? Back when segregation finally came to an end, if a restaurant or bar was without any African-Americans for the majority of an evening, but at some point, one or more walks in to get served, should the manager or owner come forward and not allow them in, because some may not be comfortable with their being there? Yeah, that's moral and right. Not.

Shallowness bothers the hell out of me. What can we really tell about a person just from looking at them? We can tell if we find them physically attractive or not, but besides that? What? Can we tell if they're married? Single? Straight? Gay? Have kids? Work at a factory? Work at Wal-Mart? Enjoy video games? Collects bells? Watches the Chicago White Sox? Is a porn star? The only way we can get answers to these questions is if we sit down and talk to them. If we're uncomfortable with a person being around us simply because they may not appeal to us physically, then the problem is ours, not theirs. Would we ever want another to judge us in that manner? I highly doubt it, so why do the same to another? I don't want someone who doesn't know me in the slightest to judge me based on a quick glance. I would never want that and in turn, will never do that with regard to another.

"I'm Not Sayin', I'm Just Sayin'" - Yeah, that makes a lot of sense...

On ESPN Radio, I hear a personality, I believe his name is Fred Coleman, say the following line after he makes a "point" (which is debatable), "I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'."

I'm sorry, but how does that make an ounce of sense? Really? He's not sayin'. He's just sayin'? Huh, that is interesting, perhaps even profound to an extent.

It reminds me of this time when I saw a satire on pornos (one I wrote probably), where Jean-Claude Johnson is caught by his wife, Marisa Hooch, in bed with another woman, Chastity Slut-Johnson. Mr. Johnson says to his wife, "Honey, I'm not cheatin'. I'm just cheatin'." That's right, Mr. Johnson. Perhaps with him being a porn star, Chastity may buy this, but I doubt anybody else would.

He's not sayin'. He's just sayin'? Yeah, just like I'm not bloggin'. I'm just bloggin'. Right on, Mr. Coleman. Right on.

"Snow Reduces Visibility," eh? No S***...

So, I just saw a headline on The Weather Channel which read, "Snow Reduces Visibility". This was quite the mind-blowing announcement. I mean, there was man landing on the moon, the invention of the airplane, George W. Bush becoming president, but none of these events could match the significance of this one - snow reduces visibility. To call this profound would be like calling McDonald's unhealthy.

I wonder what the next headline on this very channel will read. Perhaps it'll be something along the lines of "Rain Makes Things Wet" or "Heat Makes People Sweat" or even, and this would be a miracle which would prove the existence of God, "Sun Brightens Sky".

No matter what this headline reads, one can believe all eyes and ears will be waiting and watching (hearing too, I suppose) for The Weather Channel to reveal yet another bit of information likely to change the world. Well, I better go. I'm running an experiment to see if liquids go down a drain and am anxiously awaiting the results!

Big East Basketball Dominance

So, I was reading up on the updated Top 25 rankings in college basketball yesterday. What did I see? Well, let me share that with you.

In the USA Today/Coaches Poll, the following Big East teams are ranked as follows: 4. Pittsburgh (21-2), 7. Notre Dame (19-4), 9. Connecticut (18-4), 10. Villanova (19-4), 11. Georgetown (18-5), 13. Syracuse (20-4) and 15. Louisville (18-5). West Virginia is ranked 26th and Marquette at 39. In the AP, West Virginia is ranked at 25 (15-7), Cincinnati at 29 and Marquette at 34.

So, to summarize, the Big East has 10 teams whom have votes in one poll or the other. They have 8 teams ranked in the Top 25 in the AP Poll and 7 in the USA Today/Coaches.

That's all very impressive, but what really stood out to me? Look at those rankings in the USA Today/Coaches Poll again. Of the top 15 teams in all the country, the Big East has 7, count them, 7 teams ranked in the top 15. That's unbelievable! That's unheard of (until now)! If this keeps up, the conference could send at least 10 schools to the big dance (that'd be a first for any conference) and the way things stand now, the Big East would have: 1 #1 seed (Pittsburgh), 1 #2 seed (Notre Dame), 3 #3 seeds (Connecticut, Villanova and Georgetown) and 2 #4 seeds (Syracuse and Louisville).

Of course, these rankings and numbers will be very difficult for the conference to maintain, but for the time being, as of February 7th of 2011, the Big East is looking like they're well on the way to shattering some records this year and if the rest of the college basketball world doesn't get with it, we may see an alteration in March Madness this year. Instead of having a field of 65, including schools from every conference, we'll just run a 16-team tournament to decide the champion. That's right, the Big East Conference Tournament will decide the national champion. It may as well. With 7 of the top 15 teams in the country, their conference tournament may be as good of a measuring stick to college basketball supremacy as the 65-team field.

Thoughts on the Super Bowl and Commercials

I have to say, I was pleased with the game. Green Bay looked to be well in charge, up 21-3 late in the 2nd quarter, but Pittsburgh scored a late touchdown to trim the lead to 11 (21-10) at the half. From that point forward, it was tightly contested. Aaron Rodgers, the Super Bowl MVP, was great and in all actuality, his numbers could have been better. I don't have the official count, but the last time I checked, the Packers' receivers had dropped 4 passes and three of those could have gone a ways.

I will say, even though the Packers won the game 31-25, I am still amazed that the Pittsburgh Steelers had a chance to win at game's end. The Steelers had 3 turnovers compared to a goose egg by the Packers. Pittsburgh was -3 in the turnover department and ALL three turnovers led to Green Bay touchdowns. Even then, with a touchdown and extra point on their final drive, Pittsburgh would have won the game 32-31.

In any case, it was a good game. Congratulations to both teams, especially the Packers.

With regard to the commercials, I have mixed thoughts on them. From a first-impression standpoint, I'd probably grade them with a C, maybe a C-. I did think a couple of the Doritos commercials were pretty good, where the guy is so obsessed with the chips, he rips off a fellow employees' pants, which were rubbed by a consumer of the chips, and sniffs that particular area. The one with the dog knocking over the guy teasing him was pretty funny too.

Perhaps it's the pervert in me, but I thought the Valentine's Day commercial with Faith Hill was the funniest of the night. The guy in the commercial was sitting at the computer, about to send flowers to his girlfriend for Valentine's Day, but couldn't think of what to write in the card that would be sent along with the flowers.

Faith Hill said, "Just say what's in your heart."

The guy responds, "That will sound dumb."

Hill says, "No, trust me. Just go with your heart."

He then types something like, "Dear Kim, you have a great rack."

I'm sorry, that caught me off guard there and delivered the biggest laugh of the night from me.

There were plenty of misses as well, but overall, I'd say the commercials this year were very average, some pretty darn funny and others which were cringe-inducing.

So, all-in-all, it was a pretty good Super Bowl Sunday, a A- grade for the game, a C- grade for the commercials for a composite grade of a B-.

I have officially popped my "Glee" cherry...

That's right. As of last night, February 6th of 2011, I can say I am no longer a virgin in the world of "Glee".

I'm not sure what to say. I've heard a lot about it. It is an Emmy Award-winning show. My friend, Ben, has been raving about it to me, as has my mother and I just heard about it from my friend Melissa a couple days ago. So, after watching the Super Bowl, I decided to sit down and give it a gander.

After watching the episode and admitting it on Facebook (sort of...), I have decided I need to find a quiet place, evaluate myself and where my life is going and ultimately decide if I'm still attracted to women. Okay, so I kid, I think...

The question I have for myself now is, will I continue to watch it? Like last night and how many players on the football team didn't want to be affiliated with the Glee Club due to image, I'm running into that same predicament myself. I do have one male friend (of which I'm aware) whom watches the show, so perhaps he and I can have one another's back and perhaps start a club with the title of, "Straight Male Glee Fans" or something along those lines, perhaps, "Jane Lynch Is Hot". Hmmm... Being the fact she's a lesbian, I'm not sure that would work. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but creating and joining a group by that name probably wouldn't persuade others that we males in the group are in fact heterosexual. I'll have to go over this idea with my buddy, brainstorm ideas and see what we come up with.

In the meantime, I'll be continuing to hum the song "Thriller". If no one is looking, I may even give the moonwalk and crotch grab a try. Eh, forget that. I'd feel much more secure knowing that someone is around being the fact I'm likely to trip over my feet or some inanimate object and potentially hurt myself in the process, requiring a trip to the E.R. So, I think I'll just type about the hypothetical situation and leave it at that, along with the crotch grab, of course.

Oh, Christina... (Aguilera)

For anyone whom resides in the United States and was alive through the pre-game portion of the Super Bowl last night will know, Grammy-award winning artist, Christina Aguilera fumbled a bit with the words to the National Anthem.

As Jillian Mapes of billboard.com writes, 'Aguilera changed the words in the song's fourth line, which reads as: "O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?" Instead, the 'Burlesque' singer merged the lyrics with the song's second line, which she had just sang ('What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?'), belting out: 'What so proudly we watched at the twilight's last gleaming?'"

Okay, I admit that I heard the flub right away, as did the rest of my family and millions others. I kind of laughed about it at first, because I find it a tad humorous when celebrities screw up. I'll also be the first to admit that she should have been able to get the lyrics right. However, I think many people are overreacting to her forgetting the lyrics. I think what deserves criticism is her overall performance. Her voice sounded extremely strained and forced. It was like she was attempting to reach notes she was able to reach in her younger days, but isn't able to anymore. Now, I'm fine with people putting their own spin on a song to make their rendition stand out from the rest. However, in my opinion, her's just didn't cut it.

I kind of feel bad for her. To mess up on the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, of all events, receives huge headlines and publicity. She's an established artist and grammy award-winning one at that, so it's not like this slip up will cost her any, but it will be what some remember her for, unfortunately (right, Janet?).

NFL Comeback Player of the Year was an easy decision

The 2010-2011 NFL Comeback Player of the Year was Philadelphia Eagles' starting quarterback, Michael Vick. Honestly, I don't know how it could be anyone else. Two years ago, the guy was serving time in prison. Last year, he was used as more of a decoy than anything else in the Eagles' offense. This year, he was a back-up to Kevin Kolb at season's start and he went on to post the best numbers of his career.

On the year, Vick completed 233 of 372 passes (62.6%). The 233 completions was a career high and the 62.6% completion percentage was also a career high. He threw for 3,018 yards (another career high), averaging 8.1 yards per attempt (yes, a career high) for 21 touchdowns (take a wild guess - yup, a career high), a long of 91 (career high) with a quarterback rating of 100.2 (that's right, a career high). To go along with these great numbers, he was only intercepted 6 times, a career low for a season in which he played at least 12 games. To go along with his passing totals, the Eagles' quarterback rushed the ball 100 times for 676 yards (6.8 p/), with a long of 35 and 9 touchdowns on the ground (a career high). That's 8 career highs for Vick, a guy whom many doubted would ever play in the NFL again, let alone start, following his time spent in Leavenworth.

I don't care what the holier-than-thou folk have to say. There was only one viable candidate for this award and it was Michael Vick.

Super Bowl Prediction

The team with the most points at game's end will win.

In other news, I predict that in the 2012 Presidential Election, the candidate with the most votes will win. Wait, that's not necessarily true. Sorry, Al Gore.

My Change in Energy (so says my friend...)

I received a call from a friend last night. He and I traded stories on our daily lives, women, sports and health. He's a social worker and at times has given me a counselor vibe, which is fine if I seek advice from a person, but this typically wasn't the case. I actually talked to him about it 5-6 months ago and he apologized. Since that point, he's let up on attempting to be my counselor.

Last night, toward the tail-end of the conversation, after I had talked about my current love interest (3-year love interest), my health, what I hoped to happen in my future, he couldn't say enough about a certain change he hears/feels/sees in me.

He said something like, "You have this entirely new energy about you. It's amazing how much you've changed in 3-4 months. You're so much more open now. I really think you're taking a big step with (said woman) and are really moving forward with your life."

That meant a lot to me. It's the first time someone has told me about this "change" I've undergone. As I told my friend last night, I think there are two big reasons why this has happened:

1) My friendship/relationship with Michelle

2) My recovery from 18 months of health problems

Firstly, I was talking to a woman from back home (Omaha) regularly for close to a year. When I flew into town last July and August, she and I spent a decent amount of time together. But, something was always holding me back from taking the friendship a step further.

When she and I started talking was at the peak time of my health ordeal. There were days when I had difficulty walking or getting out of bed. I was in a zombie-like state the majority of the time. So, Michelle came along and became someone I could confide in when I most needed it, because I was stuck inside my house most of the time and unable to do much. It really helped to have that person to consistently communicate with, but that all changed in late May of last year. We started flirting with the notion of taking the relationship a step beyond that of a friendship and this complicated matters for the final four months in which we spoke.

While I was very appreciative of her friendship for a while, after "feelings" were brought to the forefront, I began to feel uneasy. She would tend to dramatize situations, when there wasn't any to begin with. She'd try to manipulate me, to hurry me along with making up my mind on where I wanted to take things with her (as well as physically when I flew back home, but I kindly told her no), etc. When she didn't get her way with me, which was pretty frequent, she'd hold me down, kick me while down and the end result was me feeling depressed and/or guilty. It was like this for four consecutive months and like the mere-exposure effect states, it took its toll on me.

I think after a period of time of going through this, my confidence took a shot and I began to feel as if perhaps I could do no better than her, so maybe I should give in and give dating a chance. My self-esteem had already decreased substantially over the months, due to my health problems, so for her to sink it even lower was quite the feat.

As of September 18th of last year, though, I had had enough. I was done with the manipulation. I was done with the lies. I was done with the drama.

In our final phone conversation, she became dramatic again, as out of nowhere she said, "Well, if you have a problem with me being who I am, then I think we have a problem!"

I responded with, "What? Where did that come from? When did I ever say I had a problem with you being yourself? Where did you get that idea?"

There was a slight pause, before she said, "I don't know."

I then laughed for a couple seconds, shook my head and then stated, "You know what? I think we're done. I really can't do this anymore. Perhaps in the future, when things have cooled down some, we can establish a friendship again, but I think for now, it's best to not talk for a while."

I then hung up, received a nasty e-mail and text, filled with expletives and an encyclopedia of scapegoating, as she had cast me as the sole reason things didn't work between the two of us. The insults were harsh and hurtful, but I slowly got over them. The scapegoating made me question what it was I said or did that may have been the reason for us not working out at all.

But, I then heard from an old friend of her's about a month or two ago and she sprung upon me some very interesting news. These tidbits of information included: She lied to me very regularly, especially with regard to guys, that she had slept with 6 different guys in the year we were talking, that she needed the morning-after pill on two occasions because she was irresponsible the night before, that she told some friends of her's my darkest of secrets, that she attempted to manipulate me on a regular basis, etc. Hearing all of that really helped put myself at ease and I was able to fully put that chapter in my life to rest.

As awful as that "relationship" sounds, I think in the end, it may have been to my benefit. I learned that I am ready for a relationship (just not with her), that I'm cognizant enough to notice red flags I wouldn't have seen prior to '03. I learned that I'm strong enough to say no, which was difficult for me prior to '03, because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I also learned that I do deserve better. So, while it was not a pleasant year for me, it has left me smiling and energized in the end.

Secondly and the most important factor, I believe to my new-found life and energy, is the fact I'm finally starting to recover from the 18-month soap opera regarding my health. When it first hit me that Sunday morning on May 31st of 2008, I knew something was wrong. This fear grew in the coming days and weeks, as the symptoms began to worsen. I had countless tests done on me, without so clear a sign as to warrant an official diagnosis. I was clueless, as were the doctors. Yet, I heard from some doctors that: "This could be with you for the rest of your life," "Your symptoms sound similar to MS (Multiple Sclerosis)," "You may have diabetes," "This could be guillain-barre syndrome," "I think you have some kind of small-fiber neuropathy (small-fiber sensory neuropathy," "We noticed an AVM-like presence around your spine (Arteriovenous Malformation)," "You might want to get brain surgery done for a second time," "We may need to operate around your spine" and "If you don't get this taken care of, you could lose your legs in the future."

To say I was bummed for 18 months would be like saying the 2008-2009 Detroit Lions were bad for 16 games. Also, hearing all of these potential negative outcomes, the worst being the thought of not having any legs, did anything but appease the situation. So, when one morning, I awoke and felt like something was different and for the better, I genuinely felt like bursting out into tears. I tried not to become overly excited, as to not know if this was an aberration or the start of a trend, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't overjoyed at that very moment and felt a sense of hope and optimism I hadn't felt for a year and a half.

Fortunately, that morning was not an aberration. Since then, I've been continually feeling better, as the symptoms have been waning in intensity. Due to this continued improvement, my joy, optimism and excitement have only grown in recent weeks and this change has brought to me a completely different perspective on life.

It's quite something to be told you're never going to feel any better and that one day, you may need your legs to be amputated, to have lost the small things in life which may have been unfairly taken for granted and to one day be able to cast aside those fears and to repossess what was lost.

I think those two were the main two factors in my change in energy, as my friend described it. I think I now appreciate life more than I ever have before. I'm happier than I've ever been before. I'm looking forward to tomorrow unlike at any other point in my life thus far. I felt dead for a year and a half, that my life had been prematurely stripped from me and now feel alive and more grateful for my very existence than at any other time in my 29 years here.

Marilyn Manson's Triptych ("Antichrist Svperstar" - 1996, "Mechanical Animals" -1998 and "Holywood" - 2000)

I can't believe I haven't blogged about this before. I guess I just kind of assumed I did back in 2005 or 2006, but I'm pretty certain I didn't.

Anyway, while some may not enjoy the music of shock rocker Marilyn Manson or of their theatrics and/or controversy, I find the man and the band to be quite fascinating. The music is not what interested me at first, but the lyrics and interviews. That hooked me and I haven't let up sense.

Lyrically speaking, I found the band's triptych to be the most fascinating. As mentioned in the title of this blog, this started with the album "Antichrist Svperstar" in 1996, continued with "Mechanical Animals" in 1998 and finished with "Holywood (In the Valley of the Shadow of Death" in 2000.

Musically speaking, it was very interesting as well, as "Antichrist Svperstar" was very much industrial metal. "Mechanical Animals" was more space rock. Finally, "Holywood" was more goth rock. All three albums, musically speaking, were very different.

But, back to the lyrics. These three albums comprised a story the lead singer thought of and wrote. Supposedly, "Antichrist Svperstar" was the end of the story, "Mechanical Animals" was the beginning and "Holywood" was the glue that tied the story together. Now, it's highly debatable what the details were in the story being told, but I think get the gist of the story overall and like I said at the outset, I find it fascinating as well as thought-provoking.

In the story, Manson takes on the role of Lucifer or the fallen angel. In "Mechanical Animals," it tells the story of Lucifer's time spent in heaven, of him becoming a rock star, rebelling against God's wishes, before at album's end, he's sent to hell.

In "Antichrist Svperstar," Lucifer goes through different stages of self-discovery as the beast feared by many. He shows indifference at first, shows pain and anguish, displays fear, before by album's end, he discovers his ultimate power as leader of the underworld known as hell. He understands the power of temptation, of sin, of making people believe they should live for themselves and not a higher power.

Including "Holywood" as the glue to the story, with "Count to Six and Die" being the album's closer (and the story's closer), this is how I interpreted the overall concept of the triptych.

This is the journey of Lucifer (and in odd ways Manson himself and perhaps many of us). He was kicked out of paradise for not abiding by all the ruler's guidelines. He was then made into the scapegoat, blamed for every sin, every mistake, every wrong-doing in the world. At first, he was reluctant to take on this responsibility, but then said f*** it (as it so says in the song "Irresponsible Hate Anthem") and slowly, but surely took on this role with pride. He accepts the hate, the anger, the blame, the fear ("Man That You Fear"), but, by the story's end, Lucifer has to decide what to do with this power and as can be heard in "Count to Six and Die," he is playing Russian roulette with himself, pulling the trigger and we never know what comes of it.

Why does it end this way? The story is to provoke thought in the story of the Bible. Christians believe that Jesus is the savior, that one can only reach the paradise known as heaven if one has faith in Jesus. Yet, as this triptych asks, where would Jesus be without Lucifer? From what would he be saving mankind? If Lucifer is responsible for sin and he doesn't exist, for what did Jesus die and from what is he saving us? At story's end, Lucifer seems to want to end it all, as he will kill himself and undo the history that is know as Christianity. Jesus will no longer be the savior. Man will not be saved and sent to paradise in the after-life. The world will essential end. This brings up the question, where would one of these figures be without the other and does that then make both Jesus and Lucifer saviors in a way? Without Jesus, there would be no need for Lucifer and without Lucifer, there would be no reason for Jesus.

Like I said, I find the story to be quite fascinating, because I understand it and feel that it presents us with some very interesting questions to ponder. Of course, no one will be able to prove their theory beyond a reasonable doubt, but it can still provide us with a very intriguing discussion.

"Help Steviana Get Home" - Donate Money to Help the Cause

I just learned of this through a friend via Facebook. The story is as follows:

"As you all know Steviana and Mike moved to Oklahoma not to long ago. They seemed happy when they left but as time went on Mike showed his true colors and Stevi realized what a scum bag he really was.

To make matters worse Steviana found out that she is 9 weeks pregnant and the news has really turned her life upside down.

So now she is trapped in Oklahoma in an apartment with a bad guy, with no way of getting back to Omaha. She has been out of a job for a couple months now and is nearly broke. She doesnt have a car to get herself back to Omaha and she doenst have enough money to pay for moving expenses.

She does need to get out of her current situation.
I am asking that if you are a friend of Steviana you find it in your heart to reach out to her in her time of need. Every little bit counts and if we all work together we can get her back to Omaha where she has friends willing to help.
Please send this link around to everyone who has a heart to help raise money and awareness of her situation.

Contact
Cara Marie Fleischman
if you would like to make a donation for a friend in need"

This information and more can be found at their Facebook page:

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Help-Steviana-Get-Home/127776723957291?v=info

If after reading the story, you want to donate, please go to the following site and do so:

http://helpstevianagethome.chipin.com/steviana-wandersee-to-get-home

Thus far, three people have chipped in for a total of $110. She's needing $1,500 to move back to Omaha with her child. Hopefully she will be able to do that and very soon. Any and all donations are very welcome, from $1 to $1,500. If 278 people donated $5 a piece, she would have enough money. If 139 people donated $10 a piece, she'd be heading back to Nebraska. About 93 people donating $15 a piece would do the job as well and 70 people giving $20 per. Thus far, the average donation has been $36.67. If this kept up, we'd only need approximately 38 more people to donate. It can be done. At the very least, let's join the cause and spread word about it. The greater the quantity of members, the greater the quantity of information that will be spread and through that, the greater the quantity of donations. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Let's get this done!

Update: 4 people have now contributed for a total of $130. The last day to donate money to this cause will be Saturday, March 5th. $130 is a nice start, but as she will need $1,500 ($1,370 more), we'll need to pick things up in the next 3-4 weeks if she has a chance to get anywhere close to that amount.

The Secret to Losing Weight (Well...not really)

I step on the scale every Friday morning, before I've consumed of any food or beverages and eh, without anything attached to me which may add to my weight... As of yesterday morning, I was down to 156.5 lbs. I've officially lost 29.5 lbs. since March of 2009. I had lost 24-25 by that next year, but it's been slow treading since then, until ::laughs:: I got the flu three weeks ago. As is typical, I didn't have the biggest of appetites. My diet usually consisted of water and chicken noodle soup. After a couple weeks, I was hungrier, but noticed not as hungry as I had been prior to the flu's onset. This has prevented me from eating more than I should. I've also been able to workout every day since then and have lost 5 lbs. in the past 3 weeks due to that. I'm still not QUITE where I want to be, but am definitely getting there and should reach my goal before too long.

I remember 3 years ago or so, I was out walking my dogs about three times a day, was walking on the treadmill and became frustrated that I wasn't losing any weight. At best, I'd maintain my weight at end's week, but more often than not, I'd gain weight. As I came to learn as of March, 2009, it takes a lot more than just exercise to lose weight. Some people depend on drugs, thinking it'll be a quick fix. Some people watch infomercials and buy into them, thinking they have found the answer. Most people just look for the simple solution, because they don't want to spend the time or make the sacrifices necessary to lose weight. That was me 3+ years ago. How did I lose all this weight? I call it common sense.

For a while, I went through phases with beverages. Back in elementary school, I was obsessed with Kool-Aid. In middle school, I was all about Hawaiian Punch. I switched to Dr. Pepper in high school and then Gatorade in college. The repercussions of consuming any and all of these drinks were cavities and weight gain. I figured Gatorade was safe. It's just flavored water, right? Wrong! I remember looking on the label and sure, it says 50 calories. That's not bad, right? Well, if one were to look closer, it'll also say there are four servings, which means if one downs the entire bottle, they will have added 200 calories to their daily total. If one, like I did, drinks several bottles in a single day, that will accumulate to 800-1,000 calories. This doesn't even include the food I ate. So, as of March, 2009, I switched to water. That's all I drank. I left the soda pop, fruit punches and flavored water by the wayside and just drank water. Even when just making this change, I noticed that I was losing weight. Water has no calories and when consumes of mostly this, it will benefit them in the short- and the long-term.

Next, I decided to alter my diet. This was the big problem for me 3+ years ago. I ate fast food quite regularly, wasn't afraid to munch on some chips, pretzels, fruit snacks and the like. I rarely passed on ice cream or milkshakes. I wasn't shy about eating fried food. While I didn't eat too much, what I did eat added calories and plenty of them. So, no matter how much exercise I got in a certain day, it wasn't going to offset the number of calories I totaled for the day and would, at best, keep my weight level. So, I made some changes as of March, 2009. I stopped eating red meat (Although, I do miss having a steak at times. I may make an exception if I go to a steakhouse in Nebraska. Nebraska beef is the best!). I stopped eating fast food for the most part. I may eat it once every 3-4 months. I rarely consume of junk food. Once in a while, I may have a few pretzels or some candy, but that's a rarity. I haven't had ice cream for 3 years now. Also, I switched from fried to grilled. I rarely ever eat fried chicken anymore. Once in a great while, I'll kind of crave it and give in to temptation, but again, those times are very few and far between.

Finally, I've worked out more than I ever have before. If I were to only do this, I wouldn't lose much weight, but in addition to altering my diet, it can pay big dividends. It's tough in the winter here, but during the other three seasons, I will take my dogs on about two walks per day. I also do a 30- or 60-minute cardiovascular workout 6-7 days a week, lift weights and do sit-ups and push-ups as well.

This has resulted in my losing close to 30 lbs. in the past couple years, 25 of which I lost within a single year. It is more difficult for some to lose weight than others, largely due to their metabolism, but I truly believe that if I can have the focus and determination to make some changes in my life to better my health and my body, so can most people. It's all about moderation. It's okay to have fried food once in a while, but not regularly. It's okay to eat fast food here and there, but not on a regular basis. It's okay to have a soda pop, a bowl of ice cream or a hamburger, but only moderation. So, that's my advice: Water, grilled meat, exercise and moderating the good-tasting, but calorie-inducing foods and beverages.

It Feels Good Not to Drink

My family knows how to drink. There's no hiding that. This is especially the case on my father's side. When we get together for a holiday or just a random weekend, one can expect there will be some alcohol consumption. I even admit to consuming a bit of it between the months of October and December of 2010, as I went to two Halloween parties, visited family for Thanksgiving and again for Christmas. But, New Year's Eve of 2010 was the last night I had an alcoholic beverage and I have to say, it feels pretty good.

I'm not saying I had a problem. I don't. I may go out drinking a couple straight weekends (one night per), but I can also go 3-4 months or so without having a drink. But, not having drank anything for the past month or so, not only has it saved me some money, it's also saved me some time. I don't have to worry about feeling groggy in the morning after a night of drinking, possibly hung over, needed to chug water all day to hydrate myself, etc. My body feels clean and my mind feels clean. I've been able to write more, have been more content and more optimistic. Now, I'm not saying I'll never drink again, because let's face it, my 30th birthday is the 28th of this month. I have to imagine I may have a few drinks that night or that weekend, as I'm not sure which day it falls. Ah, a Monday. So, yes, perhaps on the 25th or 26th I will have some drinks, after close to two months without consuming of any.

This was the same case at the onset of my health problems in late May of 2009. I realized if I drank anything, it only worsened my symptoms, so I stopped, for about 4 months. After the symptoms decreased slightly in intensity, I tried again and the alcohol didn't seem to have the same negative effects as they did at the condition's inception. But, even during those four months when my condition was at its peak, it still felt good not to drink. There's less worry, for me anyway. I don't have to worry about transportation because I or another I'm with is intoxicated. I don't have to worry about feeling hung over on any day. I don't have to worry about saying or doing something I wouldn't normally do because of alcohol. I don't have to worry about setting aside a certain amount of money to spend on night's out at the bar.

I know there will be times when I go out with family to bars or perhaps I feel like kicking back and relaxing with one drink, but in any case, every now and again, it feels great to abstain from drinking any alcohol and who knows, perhaps I'll give it up for good one day. The way I feel right now, I think it is a good possibility and I'm perfectly fine with that.

What an Ice Storm Can Do (...and how 36 hours without the internet forces one to play catch up for the week)

So, that snow/ice storm that hit a good 3/4 of the country this past week was quite something, wasn't it? Geez. I don't know of the exact totals, but I think I heard Chicago got close to 2 feet, parts of Indiana and Michigan got over a food, Nebraska received a good 9''. Even Dallas is icy if that tells a person anything.

Right here in Columbus, Ohio, we didn't get much snow accumulation, maybe 1-3''. However, we got almost a full inch of ice accumulation between Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Upon looking outside Wednesday morning, the streets looked more like an extended, but narrow ice skating rink than actual streets. This resulted in quite the fun evening, well, next 36 hours to be more precise.

I'm not exaggerating here. The power went out between 15 and 20 times from 8:30 pm Tuesday evening (EST) to 8:30 am Wednesday morning (EST). I've experienced a couple power outages in a 24-hour period, maybe three max, but 15-20? That was a tad on the insane side.

Of course, with the multiple power outages, we lost internet and cable access for approximately 36 hours. That was fun. It's amazing how much I depend on this darn thing (Internet), as I do my work through it, communicate with friends and family very regularly, read the news from a few different sources (or as Sarah Palin might suggest, "All of 'em."), etc. I could do without cable for a few days, but not the internet. When we had access again Thursday morning, I went from two e-mails on Tuesday afternoon to 47 on Thursday morning. It's quite amazing how far behind one can get on e-mails and work in general, after missing just 24-36 hours. One would think, "Eh, that's just a day's worth or so. It won't be too bad." Yeah, well, I've been having to play catch up ever since and I'm finally to the point where I can say I'm about caught up, but even on Saturday afternoon, I'm not all the way there yet.

Hopefully the groundhog was right and we have an early spring, because I can't say between the cold weather and the ice storm this past week, that I'm enjoying this winter very much. Come on Punxatawney Phil, follow through for us!

Glass Half Empty (I used to be this way...)

Between 13 and 18 years ago, I was quite the glass-is-half-empty kind of guy. When someone presented me with a situation, I'd typically picture it in a more negative light than the average person. When it came to grades, how I did on a test, how I'd do with a presentation, what a girl would say if I asked her out, etc., I usually expected the worst. My reasoning? If the worst did occur, the less painful the blow would be. My father seemed to understand this philosophy, but my mother certainly didn't and in hindsight, neither do I.

Now, I can semi-understand what I was getting at with my "expect the worst" attitude. I was assuming there would be a certain level of disappointment when I learned of the event's final results, so since I felt it was inevitable I would fall, I wanted to make certain the fall only pained me for a short period of time as opposed to many days, weeks or months. But, like I said at the outset, I can no longer understand this train of thought.

I know why I had this attitude. I was sexually abused at 8-years old and had a knife to my throat by the man, threatening to kill me if I told anyone. I had battled epilepsy since about birth until I was 11 and within a year of being told I'd never have to worry about seizures again and being taken off my medication, I began having them and very regularly. These two events really put a damper on my self-confidence. It was difficult for me to focus in the classroom, as there were times I'd have one seizure in every class in a single day. I wanted to believe I could control them and in conjunction with not wanting to frighten my friends or family (or myself for that matter), I kept them secret. They took their toll on me, however and after my grades began to fall, I started losing some friends, didn't have any luck with girls in the class, etc., this confidence (or lack there of) really began to go down hill and was a big reason I wound up implementing this negative attitude within myself.

That brings me to today. It's true that being overly optimistic about something has its downsides. If one feels, after a job interview, they will undoubtedly receive the phone call telling them the job is theirs and they never receive that call, it's going to sting. If a person has been dating another for quite some time, the two are engaged and living together and person X fully trusts person Y and finds out Y cheated on X, this will be devastating. However, I still think this attitude is more healthy than the polar opposite. If one continually expects the worst, they will, more times than not, get the worst. If I continually think women will reject me when I ask them out, many of them will be able to see this in my eyes and feel this lack of confidence in the tone of my voice and my posture and after making these observations, they will be more apt to saying no than if i walked right up to them with a confident look and strut, looked them right in the eyes with a glowing smile and asked them out with a very confident, yet warm tone of voice. If I expect the worst when taking a test, I may not study quite as hard as I would have if I had the confidence to believe I could ace it.

In my sophomore year in high school, this attitude finally began to leave my system. It wasn't completely gone until my first year of college, but it was beginning to wane on a rather consistent basis. I had a grand mal seizure in August of '99 and a tumor was discovered in my left anterior temporal lobe of the brain. I underwent brain surgery to have the tumor removed in August of '03. I've been sick for 20 months , where at the condition's peak, I wasn't able to walk or get out of bed on some days. Through all of this, it would have been easy for me to have developed a very pessimistic attitude about life. It would have been very easy for me to have gone about my every day life, thinking, "Something bad is going to happen to me today. I just know it. I don't know what it is, but something bad always happens to me." Heck, I didn't even include the nightmare dating experience I had in September of '03. As of February of 2011, I've finally turned the 180 I sought several years ago. I may not be overly optimistic, but while I do try to be realistic, I also try to hope more than doubt.

Many Republicans, Libertarians, some Independents and even a few Democrats poked fun at Barack Obama's hope mantra. But, while I thought it brought about unrealistic expectations at times, there's no doubting that hope is powerful. Without hope, for what is there to truly live? Without hope, why do we work every single day when all we have are doubts about tomorrow? Without hope, for what do we strive in the future? Without hope, how is it realistic to truly be satisfied with one's life? Without hope, how is it we can attain happiness? Hope is the reason I'm still here today, writing this blog, recovering from my health ordeal(s), a survivor of abuse, brain surgery and epilepsy and willing and wanting to date again, hold my head up high and move forward in life. Hope is the reason I smile for tomorrow, because I know happier times are ahead and I cannot wait to strive for and reach those very goals and I know I will.

My Singles Ads

Ad #1 - Seriously? Yes, I Suppose
I don’t yell, hit, lie, cheat, smoke or do illegal drugs. I enjoy cleaning, am responsible handling the laundry and dishes on a regular basis, am good with kids, like poetry and foreign films, fold clothes and wrap presents efficiently, never leave the toilet seat up, am single and not gay (not that there‘s anything wrong with that)… Oh, and I like long walks on the beach. I could mention what I look like and what I do for a living, but with everything that was mentioned in this ad, do you even have to know?

Ad #2 - I'm Too Sexy (Sort Of)
I'm 6'4'' minus a few inches and weigh in at a robust 156 lbs. I also have eyes as green as marijuana, the best smile outside of Billy Bob-Joe Smith at a trailer park in Alabama, more hair than George Costanza, more teeth than the average hockey player, a voice reminiscent of Barry White when he hit puberty and more stamina in the bedroom than Jim from "American Pie". I also like long walks on the beach. Give me a call if you want to go out with the best piece of a** this side of Screech Powers.

Ad #3 - Pride Is A Thing Of The Past or in my case, The Never
Want to date a winner? Then I'm your guy! I've been known to do a killer rendition of the songs "I'm Too Sexy" and "Sweet Caroline" while fully inebriated. I'm not ashamed to check out what's happening on: The Weather Channel, The Discovery Channel, The Travel Channel, PBS, C-SPAN and The History Channel. The "sport" I exceed at the most is bowling. I have seen shock rockers: Alice Cooper, Kiss and Marilyn Manson all perform live. I'm unashamed to wear sweatshirts and sweatpants around the house. I know there are some drunken blackmail photos of me in someone(s) possession. If the word born-again virgin was in the dictionary, there would be a picture of my face right next to it. I'm now being told that is actually the case. I have memorized all the words to the film "Clue," along with all the state capitals, where the states are located and their abbreviations. I do cardiovascular workouts by watching an '80s video by Gilad. There was this one time at band camp... Eh, nevermind. I do like long walks on the beach, though, so I've got that going for me. Call me if you...like long walks on the beach also. You won't be sorry! I have to run. I'm going to go streaking around a church.

Ad #4 - Fictionalized Pride
With me, you always have to expect the unexpected, although, if that were true, the unexpected would be expected. Well, whatever, you know what I mean. Where do I start? I wear 3D glasses in bars at night, in airports and in strip clubs. No, my name is not Corey Hart and I am not in the Mafia (that can't be proven anyway). I like long walks on the beach. I wrote the book Kama Sutra and drew the pictures. I've been known to yell obscenities while in a crowded library. I'm all about the bling and my street name is Gold Buck Teeth. My two favorite films are "The Exorcist" and "The Notebook". I have a mini-crush on Betty White, six wives and am not Mormon. If you'd like to be lucky #7, feel free to give me a call and we can make it happen.

Ad #5 - Bah Humbug
People always seem to talk about their interests, what they can offer another in a relationship, mention what they feel are their good qualities and blah blah blah. Let me tell you what I don't like: anything affiliated with Fox News. Oh, but I do like long walks on the beach. Call me or whatever. I don't care.